Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

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glennbad
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Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by glennbad » Fri Feb 21, 2020 1:31 pm

I called my mom last night just to say hi and see how she was doing. She kind of hemmed an hawed a bit and said she was okay. I asked if she was sick, and she said no, just a bit sad. I didn't think too much of it , as she has good days, and sad days, and we just continued our conversation. Later, I was watching TV with the wife and she asked how my conversation with mom went. I said okay, but she seemed sad. My wife then said, isn't today the day your dad passed away? You know, I never even thought of that.

Which brings me to the reason for my post. I purposely choose not to recognize or remember the days my loved ones passed away. To me, that gives importance to a horrible day in my life, and the last thing I want to do is give it any power or importance. Am I just being insensitive? I would rather remember birthdays, or anniversaries, those are happy days, not the worst day in their and our lives.

I don't like bringing this type of thing up, as people deal with loss and grief in their own way, and having to recall a loved ones' passing can be painful. I feel bad when my wife reminds me the such and such a date is the day her mom or dad passed. I must come off as a bit selfish to her. I have explained that I choose not to remember those days, and try to be supportive, but I can't help but feel like I am acting like a jerk.

What are your feelings on this, if you would like to comment?

Glenn

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Jeffinn
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by Jeffinn » Fri Feb 21, 2020 2:05 pm

Glenn,
It’s not selfish or bad to remember the good things/times about a departed loved one. We all deal with death in our own way. I’m like you in that I would rather remember the great times I had with a person.
Jeff
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royal0014
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by royal0014 » Fri Feb 21, 2020 2:08 pm

Don't judge yourself too harshly Glenn.
As you know, everyone grieves differently. The most important thing is that you remember ...
How you choose to do that is only between you and God.

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jmh58
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by jmh58 » Fri Feb 21, 2020 2:35 pm

Glenn.. I too chose not to remember dates of loved ones passing.. Don't know why?? But I do..
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Byrd
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by Byrd » Fri Feb 21, 2020 3:27 pm

I don't think you're being insensitive at all. My Dad passed a few years ago on New Years day. He was in terrible pain for several days prior to that, in the hospital and couldn't remember anyone. I now hate New Years Eve with all the celebrating. For me it's not a time to celebrate. I'd rather remember him teaching me to play baseball of family campouts.
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Mumbleypeg
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by Mumbleypeg » Fri Feb 21, 2020 3:54 pm

I would never judge how anyone chooses to remember any person important in their life. Personally I honor my parents’ birthdays, wedding anniversary, and deaths. Plus Memorial Day (Dad was a WWII vet). And we always place wreaths on their graves after Thanksgiving and leave them through Christmas. I usually make a trip to their gravesites on those occasions. Fortunately they’re not far away.

To each his/her own.

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tongueriver
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by tongueriver » Fri Feb 21, 2020 4:24 pm

I remember most of the good dates and bad ones, but I don't dwell. I think I tend to spend too much time on the past and on the future, and not enough on the present. I am now in the evening of my life and that accounts for some of my opinions on this matter.

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XX Case XX
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by XX Case XX » Fri Feb 21, 2020 5:29 pm

Everyone is different, but I choose to remember. For me, even death is "all inclusive" for that persons memory, good or bad. Memories are not always good, but they are still memories.

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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by dlr110 » Fri Feb 21, 2020 5:36 pm

I would never judge anyone on how they choose to remember friends and loved ones. With me I choose to remember those that have passed with my memories of them, not the day of their passing. When my Dad passed I was still in uniform and I presented the American Flag to my Mother as a part of the military honors at graveside. I have only been back to his grave twice since 1987, to make sure the stone was correct and to show some to my g'kids where their grandfather was buried. Do it the way you are most comfortable.
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by rea1eye » Fri Feb 21, 2020 6:40 pm

This is a topic that everyone deals with grief and life in different ways.

There is no right or wrong way.

You could not be considered insensitive since you brought this topic up here on the forum to explore
other peoples ideas.

Bob

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Colonel26
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by Colonel26 » Fri Feb 21, 2020 10:17 pm

I don’t think you’re insensitive at all. I don’t remember the dates of my loved ones passing either. While it is customary here to make sure the graves of our loves ones are decorated, I’m not a big gravesite visitor either.

I make sure I pass the stories of previous generations on to my sons, I want them to “know” the ones who came before them and to hand those stories down to their kids. And I have keepsakes from past generations that I collect and use to teach their stories too. To me that’s more important that the death anniversary.

YMMV.
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doglegg
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by doglegg » Fri Feb 21, 2020 10:29 pm

I'm not a date of death rememberer either. I think about them on their birthdays but also every other day. For both of my folks death was a friend as both were not in a good condition by then. Loved them then, love them now.

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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by eveled » Fri Feb 21, 2020 10:54 pm

She probably thinks you remembered the date but did not want to talk about it. You are not insensitive at all.

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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by rangerbluedog » Sat Feb 22, 2020 3:05 am

I would rather not remember, but I can't help it because my Dad passed away on my birthday.
Now birthdays are just not the same. :(

But, NO, you are not insensitive at all.
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OLDE CUTLER
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Re: Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

Post by OLDE CUTLER » Sat Feb 22, 2020 4:23 am

rangerbluedog wrote:
Sat Feb 22, 2020 3:05 am
I would rather not remember, but I can't help it because my Dad passed away on my birthday.
Now birthdays are just not the same. :(

But, NO, you are not insensitive at all.
Same here, my dad died on Christmas Day.
"Sometimes even the blind chicken finds corn"

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