Cynical Philosopher
v I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
v Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
v I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
v When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
v A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
v Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
v America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
v You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
v Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
v My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
v I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
v Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.
v You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
v If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
v I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
v My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
v Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
v The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
v The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
v Money can’t buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!
v The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
