Cynical Philosopher

[jerryd6818]

Cynical Philosopher

v I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

v Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

v I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

v When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

v A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

v Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

v America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

v You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

v Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

v My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

v I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

v Money talks ..but all mine ever says is good-bye.

v You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

v If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

v I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

v My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

v Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

v The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

v The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

v Money can’t buy happiness but it keeps the kids in touch!

v The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

[OLDE CUTLER]

Great stuff there.

[btrwtr]

All funny but you saved the best for last.

[Steve Warden]

Always good to start the day with a chuckle!
Thanks Jerry.

[samb1955]

Those had me laughing, good stuff!