Hear of a Good One Lately

[jerryd6818]

A man walked into his crowded local bar,
waved a revolver around and yelled,
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"


A voice from the back of the bar yelled back,
"You're gonna need more ammo!"

[Cutty]

[jmh58]

John

[jerryd6818]

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.
A passing hobo stops and says, "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"
The woman said "Hell no...get away from me!"
The bum turned to leave and muttered "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

[Rookie]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

“What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket.''

[tjmurphy]

Two black guys are in a bar talking and one says to the other,
"Ever notice after having sex with a white woman that your
eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "Yeah, happens every time."


The first one asked,"Why is that?"


The second says, "Pretty sure it's the pepper spray."

[jerryd6818]

I'm still trying to figure out if this is or isn't a joke.

Top Ten Indicators That Your Employer Has Changed To The Obamacare Health Care Plan.

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is..."Embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and
prosperous by letting the government take
care of him, better take a closer look at
the American Indian."
- Henry Ford

[tjmurphy]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.


I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let

YOU decide who leaves.

"Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long.

"The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a

sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shock and disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this.”

"The devil smiled and said...........(This is priceless...)

"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[RobesonsRme.com]

I guess you've all heard how scarce ammo has gotten lately.

The other day I managed to score four boxes of .45 ACP. I drove home with the boxes sitting on the passenger seat of the SUV.

I stopped for gas and at the pump across from me was an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman in a short, tight dress, filling up her car.

She glanced over and saw the .45's sitting on the seat.

When she replaced the nozzle on her side of the pump, she walked over to me and asked, "How would you feel about some old fashion bartering?"

"What kind of bartering you got in mind", sez I.

"How about some sex for ammo?"

"OK", I said, "How much ammo you got?"

[carrmillus]

............. .........................

[carrmillus]

"never lose your grandpa"-my small grandson got lost at the shopping mall-he approached a uniformed security guard and said,"I've lost my grandpa"!-the guard asked- "what's his name"??-the child replied-"grandpa"!!....the guard smiled, then asked-"what's he like"??-the little tyke paused, thought for a minute, then replied-"jack daniels whiskey and women with big tits"!!!........... .................................

[jerryd6818]

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."

St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter:

"How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."


“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.


"No. . . . . . The Pearly Gates."

[jerryd6818]

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young Cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

[carrmillus]

A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young Cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

................. ......

[Rookie]

Hahaha, those are good.

[orvet]

A little dated...... I was told this is a Marine Colonel visiting with the troops in Vietnam.

The Truth.jpg (43.44 KiB) Viewed 3213 times

[jerryd6818]

SEX
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour De France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike!!!!!

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn't take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For crying out loud, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

EASY JET
Paddy calls United to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."

Instead of "the John", I call my bathroom "the Jim".
That way it sounds better when I say that "I go to the Jim first thing every morning."

[Jigslinger]

A little dated...... I was told this is a Marine Colonel visiting with the troops in Vietnam.

The Truth.jpg

Not quite as dated as you might think. The Marine Corps general quoted here is James Mattis and he took over for Patraeus in Afghanistan in August of 2010. He retired after 41 years of service in May 2013. He has a bunch of great quotes. A true professional soldier who had an illustrious career.

[Old Hunter]

Jig and Dale, I heard that same one attributed to GEN Tommy Franks in 2003 - think it has been re-quoted quite a few times over the years (after all, a joke isn't funny unless it contains some element of truth). OH

[Jigslinger]

After a perfunctory Internet search, it seems that this quote has been attributed to both Franks and Mattis. Who knows who came up with it first. After reading several quotes from both gentleman it fits with Mattis, but certainly not above (below?) Franks. Regardless, a classic quote.

[knife-nut]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?' The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it

[fergusontd]

Gits right to the bottom of the problem don't it! ftd

[Rustle47]

A few months ago, a friend and I were leaving work when I noticed it was raining dogs and cats. I said "We're going to get soaked crossing the parking lot". He replied " I'm not worried. Sugar would melt but s**t floats".

[royal0014]

As we were out riding the back roads one day, a storm blew in. My buddy Danny popped off
"It's gonna come a turd-floater.....get me to high ground!!"

[jerryd6818]

I like it Royal. Now if I could just remember it, I wouldn't be ashamed to use it.


One day when the three amigos (me, Bob & John) were hanging around, doing what retired guys do, Bob was going on about how the dog was gone now and his wife wanted another. Suddenly he pipes up with "I'm tired of f*****g animals". Maybe it's one where you had to be there but we haven't let him forget it (isn't that what buddies do?)