Iron Hoarder wrote:Ya'll should meet the Massachusetts country folk. Funniest soundin' rednecks ya ever heard.
My job used to take me from Texas up to Andover, MA every 6 months or so. When talking about "data" they would always say "dater".
We worked with a woman up there named Maria. The Mass. guys would always add an "r" to the end of her name, so to my Texas ear "Maria" came out sounding like "my rear".
So the conversation was:"We need to get this work completed".....and they would respond: "Ok, give it to my rear." At first I thought they were being smart asses.
Mike
If you don't watch the news, you are uninformed. If you watch the news, you are misinformed.
Iron Hoarder wrote:Ya'll should meet the Massachusetts country folk. Funniest soundin' rednecks ya ever heard.
Years ago I deer hunted (here in eastern NC) with a couple of guys from Maine - same thing I thought - except for the accent these old Maine boys are just like us southern rednecks!
Deep in the guts of most men is buried the involuntary response to the hunter's horn, a prickle of the nape hairs, an acceleration of the pulse, an atavistic memory of his fathers, who killed first with stone, and then with club...Robert Ruark
There's a nice long stretch of old highway 78 between Birmingham and Atlanta that was
essentially replaced by I-20 forty years ago.
There's hardly any traffic on Highway 78, but smart people have discovered that for short
hops between localities, it is better and less of a hassle than driving on I-20.
Truck drivers, if they dare, can avoid the Alabama and Georgia scales on Old Highway 78.
Recently, however, there has been a rash of crow deaths along that road. It now numbers
into the hundreds.
The State Conservation Department got involved. They brought in a toxicologist. They
interviewed people that live along 78 and they interviewed many truck drivers that utilize
the route.
They have determined that the vast majority of the crows have been struck and killed by
trucks. No one could figure out why that would be.
So, they brought in an Ornithilogical Behaviorist to ascertain what the problem could actually
be.
After months of investigation, he determined that the crows, upon discovering suitable
road-kill, would leave one bird perched in a tree as a sentinel or look-out, while the rest of
the flock feasted on the road-kill.
The birds were being killed in such large numbers because the look-out could warn them of
the approach of an automobile by crying, "CAH! CAH! CAH!"
But, they could not say, "TRUCK! TRUCK! TRUCK!"
Sorry.
Charlie Noyes
DE OPPRESSO LIBER
"...Men may spurn our appeals, reject our message, oppose our arguments, despise our persons ___but they are helpless against our prayers. "
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
”I wasn't!“
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.
This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.
"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012
A guy I used to work with had a friend with this problem. A week after the honeymoon she declared his gun collection had to go cause she didn't want guns around the house for numerous reasons. Now this fella wasn't buying flea market pieces. He has stuff that most people never even heard of let alone seen a nice one of.
So he says to his wife "No problem honey let me go see a few people and I'll get it all taken care of."
He came back about eight hours later with annulment papers and told her to get out.
I measure my collection by the ton.
Whoever dies with the most tools wins......Now accepting donations.
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?
" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close to a waste treatment facility.
I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned you down!"
DE OPPRESSO LIBER
"...Men may spurn our appeals, reject our message, oppose our arguments, despise our persons ___but they are helpless against our prayers. "
Three old golfers are walking down the fairway.
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old,
“You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old. “When you’re 70,
you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives,
eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”
“Actually,” said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked the 60-year-old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”
“Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?” asked the 70-year old.
“No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am.”
Puzzled with this the 60-year-old said, “Let’s get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what’s
so tough about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the call is free.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies, " Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
A Russian and Ole the Norwegian wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished'. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, " Vell , I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face...I had nuttin ' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
" Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
"There are none so blind as those that refuse to see"
God Bless America - Though I don't know why he would want to.
I heard that recently.....about 200 dead crows were found near Queens, NY, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. State authorities had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, & he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, & only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. The State then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that all the lookout crows could definitely say "Cah".......but none could say "Truck."
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.
This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.
"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012
OK, it’s a little corny but I’ll bet you chuckle if you ever figure it out ..
Cletus was passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he saw Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performed a slow pirouette, then gently slid off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunched his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, let his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.
... Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he ripped it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tore the T-shirt from his body, and hurled his baseball cap on a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushed in and asked, "What in the world are ya doing, Billy Bob ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," said an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"Me and the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
(Now don't make me come 'splain this to y'all! Jest read the last line again, slowly...)
"There are none so blind as those that refuse to see"
God Bless America - Though I don't know why he would want to.
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Deep in the guts of most men is buried the involuntary response to the hunter's horn, a prickle of the nape hairs, an acceleration of the pulse, an atavistic memory of his fathers, who killed first with stone, and then with club...Robert Ruark
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication.
She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do.
She called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said: "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground,
possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car.
She looked at the hanger and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought: "This is what you sent to help me?"
However, she was desperate. She was also very thankful!
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I ’ve locked my keys in my car.
I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday, I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud "Oh, thank you God!
You even sent me a Professional!!"
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.
This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.
"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. 