Hear of a Good One Lately

[tjmurphy]

That's a dandy Cutty. Kinda says it all. obummer

[MITCH RAPP]

PestControl

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself

and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

[Don Luis]

I heard this one from a lady who used to teach Sunday school.

Jesus was about to say: "one without sin cast the first stone", but before that...
-
-
-
-
He turned to Mary and said: "Mother go home".

Luis

[orvet]

The Ten Commandments According to Obama.

I. Thou shalt have no God in America, except for me.
I am the chosen One. (And like God, I do not have a birth certificate.)

II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image,
unless it is my face carved on Mt. Rushmore.

III. Thou shalt not utter my middle name in vain (or in public). Only I can say Barack Hussein Obama.

IV. Remember tax day, April 15th, to keep it holy.

V. Honour thy father and thy mother until they are too old and sick to care for. They will cost our public-funded health-care system too much money.

VI. Thou shalt not kill, unless you have an unwanted, unborn baby. For it would be an abomination to punish your daughter with a baby.

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery if you are conservative or a Republican.Liberals and Democrats are hereby forgiven for all of their infidelity and immorality, but the careers of conservatives will be forever destroyed.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal, until you've been elected to public office. Only then is it acceptable to take money from hard-working, successful citizens and give it to those who do not work, illegal immigrants, or thosewho do not have the motivation to better their own lives.

IX. Thou shalt not discriminate against thy neighbor unless they are conservative,Caucasian, or Christian.

X. Thou shalt not covet because it is simply unnecessary. I will place such a heavy tax burden on those that have achieved theAmerican Dream that, by the end of my term as President, nobody will have any wealth or material goods left for you to covet.

[Don Luis]

Hello Dale, I did not answer in that other thread. I am doing fine, retirement has been good. Will try to come around more often.
------------------

So it is a good time for political jokes. I heard this with something other than Democrats and Republicans but I think it fits.

In a class of political science the professor said: "a good government will seek to give everyone equal opportunities for self development, but even then there will be differences, for example:

Let us assume that you give two men the chance to go into a corn field for an hour and they can pick as many ears of corn as they want.

One comes out with 20 ears of corn and the other one with 10, there is an inequality.
Can you think of a way to make the situation better ?."

The Democrat student says:

"I would tell the guy with 20 ears of corn to give 5 to the other guy. They would both end up with 15.".

The Republican student says:

"I would tell the guy with 10 ears of corn that he could have worked as hard as the other guy. They would both end up with 20.".


Luis

[orvet]

Great story Don Luis!
Enough truth in it to make it believable.

I am glad to see you posting again and to know you are doing well.
Congratulations on retirement!

I have always enjoyed your posts.
I was just thinking this afternoon that I wished I could find your post on making knife lanyards with knotted cords.

Take care my friend.

[treefarmer]

Dale, to pirate the comment you used in your response to Don Luis, "Enough truth in it to make it believable" certainly fits your post of "The Ten Commandments According to Obama".

Also the illustration of the 2 guys in the corn field certainly is food for thought. Thanks Don Luis for sharing it with us.

We generally open this thread for some light humor but these two posts are heavy enough to allow us to consider the implications. Treefarmer

[Don Luis]

Maybe too much truth...

I once heard another story with a similar idea. Something about a soccer game where the referee thinks it is unfair and tries to help the weaker team, therefore messing up the game (like some governments end up messing up the economy).

And, since this a thread for jokes, here's one about an interview with Robin Hood:

Q: Mr. Hood, if you keep stealing from the rich to give to the poor, eventually those who are rich will be poor and those who are poor will be rich, what will you do then?.

A: I will steal from the rich to give to the poor.
--------------------------

I remember a long time ago I made a post in the other forum on how to make a lanyard, I think it was not all that clear though. I have been thinking of putting up some tutorials in my webpage, but have not gotten to do it.

There are some pics here:

http://www.collectors-of-schrades-r.us/ ... /index.htm

And some knots and other stuff in my website, under Hobbies>Crafts:

http://donluispersonalwebsite.weebly.com/

Luis

[orvet]

I was trying to that tutorial, as I thought I had copied it, but I can't find where I saved it.
I may have lost it with some other things when my PC crashed a few months ago.

If you post a tutorial, please let me know.
I still want to make a few lanyards.

[MITCH RAPP]

Old Chinese Proverb and The Chicago Version

Original Chinese Proverb:

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
-------------------
2012 White House Revision:

Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with
unlimited free minutes, cash for his clunker, food
stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives,
Medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment, free
medicine, and he will vote for Democrats the rest of
his life ... even after he's deceased.

[Don Luis]

He he, teach a man to fish and he will be late for dinner every day.
--------------
Here's that thread on lanyards (post 36), unfortunately it's been 7 years and most links are dead:

http://www.bladeforums.com/forums/showt ... ives/page2
--------------
Here's a Joke "Voted Funniest in the World" in 2002 (from: http://www.suddenlysenior.com/jokefunniestinworld.html):
---
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

Luis

[tjmurphy]

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.


For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.


Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.


An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.


Boot camp would be easier for old guys... We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.


An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.


These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.


Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.


HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50... in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes???
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!


Send this to all of your senior friends... it's in big type so they can read it.

[tjmurphy]

I Miss Bill Clinton



"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month. Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada .

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes."


... ya gotta love it!
THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL SYMBOL FOR OBAMA The skunk has replaced the Eagle as the new symbol for the President.
It is half black, half white, and everything it does stinks.

[tjmurphy]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.


One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.


A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'


Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'


'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'


'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'




'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.
What about her?'


'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.'


'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

[jerryd6818]

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos , Texas .

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant - much less a deer.

Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, get the #$%^ away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get the #$%^ away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas game warden with his hands high in the air.

The game warden, obviously distraught, yelled, "Okay, lady! You can have your #$%^ deer, just let me get my saddle off it!"

[tjmurphy]

[royal0014]

TJ's 2 old guys reminded me of this moldy oldie. 10 points if you can name the comedian....

There were these two old Southern Baptists preachers who rode their bicycles to church every Sunday. Going in different directions, they would meet at the corner and stop to chat a few minutes. Same time, every Sunday.

Well, one Sunday the first old preacher arrives at the corner. He stops, looks up the street and his friend is nowhere in sight. After a few minutes the other old preacher comes walking down the street.

They carry on with their usual banter for a bit, then the 1st says to the 2nd....'Can't help but notice you're not on your bicycle this morning. Something the matter?'

'Well', says the 2nd, 'I think someone in my congregation stole my bicycle. I just can't figure who would do such a deed.'

Says the 1st 'Listen, this is what you do; when you do your sermon this morning, preach on the 10 Commandments. When you get to "Though Shalt Not Steal" lay it on real hard and heavy. Whoever stole your bicycle will feel guilty, and bring it back!'

And so they go their different ways. Sure enough, next Sunday the old preacher shows up on his bicycle again. Says the 1st to the 2nd 'I see you have your bicycle back. Did you do as I suggested?'

The 2nd hangs his head. 'Yes', he says, 'I preached on the 10 Commandments. One of the best sermons I've given in a long time, I think...'
*
*
*
*
*
'.....but when I got to "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", I remembered where I left my bicycle!'

[jerryd6818]

“As good as this bar is" said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red
Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first
two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite
pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,
then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had
enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid
all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The
Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to
you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did
happen to me sister quite a few times .

[Bacon Lover]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BxVH2PJ- ... re=related

Anyone not see that coming?

[tjmurphy]

Last week our grandchildren were visiting and we took them to a restaurant.

My six year old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Pop gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly
gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that
was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grandson asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied.

Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. She was speechless.

Then, with a big smile, he told her,
"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch"

[tjmurphy]

Montana Cowboy.jpg (25.44 KiB) Viewed 2480 times

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

GOVT AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

[Bacon Lover]

oh, man that is funny

I got one too.

Older gentleman was asked if he had a choice between getting Alzhiemers or Parkinsons (sorry about the spelling)

Man sez he'd rather have Parkinsons because it's better to spill a little whiskey than to forget where he put the bottle.

[Bacon Lover]

Funny, but #2 is kinda offensive.

[tjmurphy]

"Bacon Lover" FESS UP!!

[Bacon Lover]

"Bacon Lover" FESS UP!!

Huh?