Hear of a Good One Lately

[johnnierotten]

...good one, Mitch.

[tjmurphy]

[MITCH RAPP]

I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way; my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream. There was only one thing bothering me, quite much indeed, and that was her best friend. She was smart, beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me uncomfortable.



One day her friend called me up. She asked me to come over to her place to help with completing the wedding invitation list. So I went. She was alone. When I arrived, she whispered to me that soon I was to be married to her best friend, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I married and committed my life to her friend, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock; I couldn't say a word. Then she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come up and join me.



I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. My girlfriend was standing outside, with tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, I am very happy; you have passed my little test. I couldn't have asked for a better man as a husband.



Lesson: Always keep your condoms in the car.

[johnnierotten]

[tjmurphy]

Two Arab terrorists boarded a 747 flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,
'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat,
'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines
shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,
'That looks good.. I'd really like one too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other
shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours,
'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred?
This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

[Bacon Lover]

'nuff said

[johnnierotten]

That’s GREAT, TJ.

[jerryd6818]

The wife left a note below on the fridge .........

"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Moms!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........
What the hell is she talking about?!!

[johnnierotten]

[Cutty]

An old bull and young bull get the news that there's a new bull on the way.

The old bull say's " I've been the head honcho around here for a long time and the new bull isn't getting any of my cows so your just gonna have to share yours young buck!"

The young bull says "Oh no! I only have a few old hand me down cows from you. He's not getting any of my cows either!"

A little while later the farmer pulls up with the trailer. He starts to unload the biggest, meanest bull either of the two bulls have ever seen. The trailer looks like it's gonna bust at the seams as the beast comes out and looks around, frothin' and snortin' like he's ready to kill or have his way with anything in his path.

About that time the young bull starts snortin' and stompin' and pitching a fit.

The old bull looks over and say's "Young buck are you crazy? Do you really think you have a chance fightin' that freakin' monster???"

The young bulls looks over and says "Hell No!!! I'm just makin' sure that SOB knows i'm not a COW!!!!!

[mumblypeg]

Good one Cutty! I laughed out loud

[johnnierotten]

...

[Bacon Lover]

OUCH, Johnnie !

[johnnierotten]

..just a joke...sorry,sorry.
I posted it on facebook.......Wife was not happy.

[Cowboy7130]

Ol' Slim had a heifer that was about ready to breed. The widder woman on the next place over had a registered bull, so Ol' Slim trailered his heifer and took her over. The bull and the heifer got down to bidness, and Slim and the widder woman looked on. By and by, ol' Slim got a notion about the widder woman, and he leaned over and whispered, "I sure wish I was a'doin' that ..." The widder woman looked shocked, and then she replied ...

"Well, she's YOUR heifer ..."

[johnnierotten]

[MITCH RAPP]

A woman who was a tree hugging, liberal Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WASHINGTON. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In a great deal of pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility.
I'm sorry, but due to ObamaCare they turned you down."

[johnnierotten]

OMG!!!....that was good!!

[orvet]

The media in England has not given Obama the pass he seems to get here in the USA.
They seem to see him a bit differently. Apparently the romance is over as far as they are concerned.........

[johnnierotten]

Good ones, Dale. ....the 3rd and the last are my favs.

[dcgm4]

Some cartoons that made me chuckle.

[MITCH RAPP]

[johnnierotten]

[Bacon Lover]

CRISIS ESCALATION

________________________________________
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "s..., I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend" and "The Barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
__________________

[MITCH RAPP]

Obama's Oil


Barack Obama has a new plan for increasing how many barrels of oil America produces. He's going to force the oil companies to use smaller barrels.


Q. What is Obama's new 999 plan for America?
A. $9.99 a gallon gasoline.



Q. Why does Obama keep jacking up the cost of gasoline?
A. So that voters can't afford to drive to the polls in November.


Obama is demanding that Congress give him another trillion dollar spending bill. Most of it is just for gas money.


Q, Why are jobs at all time lows and gas at all time highs?
A. Obama's back from vacation.