Hear of a Good One Lately

[conslade]

Million rounds of ammo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man that
was placed under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he
owned 100 guns and allegedly had an estimated 1-million rounds of
ammunition stored in his home. His house also had a secret escape
tunnel. My favorite quote from the television reporter was, "Wow! He
has about a million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it
as a "massive weapons cache”. By southern California standards, the
man was assumed to be "mentally unstable." However, if the same guy
lived...

In Arizona , he'd be called "an avid gun collector”.

In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector".

In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared", but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a
corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Montana, he'd be called, "The neighborhood Go-To guy".

In Idaho, he'd be called, "a likely gubernatorial candidate".

In Wyoming, he'd be called, "an eligible bachelor".

And, in Texas, he’d be called, “a deer hunting buddy”.

[carvin don]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.


"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.


"Love dress? But you're naked!"


"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic. He can't get enough of me."


The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and
saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Need's ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

He never heard the gunshot.

[Knife Nut]

Carvin don, you rascal you.
That was down right funny

Paul

[orvet]

This came by email with the caption:



No Comment Needed

[tjmurphy]

Is tha the upper end of s...'s Creek. Hey!! Where's our paddles?????

[orvet]

T'aint none!

[chetr1200c]

with 63 pages, i don't know if anyone related this story before me.

outside of washington d.c., a man was stranded in a very long traffic jam.
sitting there for what seemed like two hours, there was a knock on his car window,
putting the window down, the driver asked the person outside, what the holdup is all about.
he was told that there were armed terrorist who stormed the capital and were holding the entire congress for ransom of $100 million
if their request weren't granted, they will douse the entire congress in gasoline and set them ablaze.
then he said,,, me and a few others are out going car to car for donations.
the driver then asked what the average donation has been so far.
the man outside then replied,,,about one gallon

[tjmurphy]

Now that gas is down a little bit, I think I can afford two gallons. I'll ask my wife!

[gringo]

at the price of gasoline, i would note the British burned Washington and it didn't help a bit.

http://www.eyewitnesstohistory.com/washingtonsack.htm

[orvet]

Them Brits can't do anything right!
They were supposed to burn the House & Senate with the Reps & Senators INSIDE the buildings.

[tjmurphy]

Yeppers, that's kind of the way I had it pictured

[JWS]

When Is Drunk TOO Drunk?


Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself.
'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'


Fred says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast
pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you
twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.


Eventually Jerry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,
you're disgusting!'


Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jerry says,
Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only
had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one
too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said he's was berry
sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!'


His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks...'


'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'

[tjmurphy]

[chetr1200c]

aw man, thats too much,,,,,,,you actually had me thinking you were dead drunk when you wrote that. were you???

[conslade]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it !)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)




A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)



The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)



The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes.. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)




The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)




Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[chetr1200c]

if the lion was like the pig during sex, he would have to cut back to just 48 per day ...ain't it a shame

[tjmurphy]

On a sunny day in January, 2013, an old man had been sitting on a park bench on Pennsylvania Avenue .

He crossed the avenue and approached the White House.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard.

"I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer President. He no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay," as he walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the same Marine,

"I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer President. He no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and again just walked away.

The third day the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine.

"I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the President. He no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir.

[treefarmer]

tjmurphy, I sure hope that comes true! This country needs to return to the common sense beliefs and principles it started with many moons ago and hearing the message Mr. Obama doesn't live here anymore would be "good one to hear". Treefarmer

[tjmurphy]

[gringo]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/3 ... 77031.html

[Knife Nut]

Paul

[MITCH RAPP]

[robinetn]

He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! :


'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'


'Yes. What can I do for you?'


'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there...'


'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'


The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.


Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd... Did the Sheriff come?'


'Yeah!'


'Did they chop your firewood?'


'Yep!'


'Happy Birthday, buddy!'


(Rednecks know how to get'r done).

[JWS]

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us, and told my friend: "That's us in 10 years."

He said, "That's a mirror, you dumbass."

[rangerbluedog]