Hear of a Good One Lately

[CCBill]

...uh oh...


A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

[CCBill]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
.......................................
Male readers: Please scroll down.
.................
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife ..

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

[orvet]

[Miller Bro's]

[CCBill]

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME.
THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND THEM.
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING THE VIEW,
THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS,
HOPING THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH .
THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID LOUDLY,
"I WANT TO MOVE TO MONTANA .
THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE THIRD GUY YELLED,
"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO .
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND,
LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET AND CALM VOICE SAID,

"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL.
THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

[jerryd6818]

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday next to a carload of muslims when a big semi-trailer drove right over the top of their car! Flattened it!



"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me"...... so I went and got a Commercial Driver's License.

[johnnierotten]

[CCBill]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture when
suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If
I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will
you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage
on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix
on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You
have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?"



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"

"You're an aide in the Obama Administration", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth
of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or
about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[MITCH RAPP]

[mumblypeg]

[CCBill]

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[CCBill]

A man and his wife walked
into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc,
I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go up north deer hunting so forget about the anesthetic, I don't having time
for the gums to get numb, I just want you to pull the tooth
and be done with it! We are going to the best area in the state and it's 9:30 already... I
don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely
a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled
without using anything to kill the pain."So the
dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"


The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

[jerryd6818]

[carvin don]

BC12.jpg (31.86 KiB) Viewed 1723 times

[MITCH RAPP]

[MITCH RAPP]

One More!

[orvet]

This fits in here.

[MITCH RAPP]

[MITCH RAPP]

BHO'S TSA


Q. Why isn't TSA catching any terrorists?
A. They don't screen passengers on Air Force One.


***


Obama claims that he has a balanced budget plan. It's exactly one half smoke and one half mirrors.
***


Good News, Bad News


The good news is that Obama has finally begun drilling for oil. The bad news is that he's only drilling in our strategic oil reserve.


The good news is that Obama has finally created some jobs. The bad news is that they're all in India.


***


If you voted for Obama in 2008, it proved you are not a racist. If you vote for Obama again in 2012, it will prove that you are one.


***


A major freeway in California is named after the great Ronald Reagan. After he leaves office, Chicago should name a dead end after Barack Obama.


***


Q. What's the difference between Obama opponents and Obama supporters?
A. The first group works for a living while the second group votes for a living.


***


It was recently revealed that President Obama’s autobiography was actually written by the SDS terrorist Bill Ayers. Worse yet, Ayers copied most of it from Jimmy Carter's autobiography.


***


President Obama was interviewing for new accountants to handle the books for his Obamacare scheme. Barack asked the first applicant, "What does one plus one equal?" The accountant was escorted out of the White House after answering, "Two." Barack then asked the next applicant, "What does one plus one equal?" That one answered, "What do you want it to equal?" Obama promptly replied, "You've got the job."


***


The Obama administration has decided to get rid of the old USDA food pyramid. It's being replaced with a food minaret.


***


Q. Why did Obama wait so long to release his birth certificate?
A. He didn't have a registered copy of PhotoShop.


***


Barack Obama has reportedly started holding a weekly séance in the Oval Office.
So far, he has only managed to channel Jimmy Carter.


***


Q. Why does Obama always oppose Israel?
A. Because he's an alumnus of the other team.


***


Barack O'Bama is now claiming that Ireland is his ancestral home. Kenya believe anything that guy says?


***


Q. Why can't the National Weather Service name a hurricane after Obama?
A. The Centers for Disease Control gets to use his name first.


***


The Equus Asinus Obama Joke


Q: What would you get if you crossed a Jackass with Barack Obama?
A: Barack Obama.


***


President Barack Hussein Obama has finally released his actual birth certificate, proving that he really was born in Hawaii, our 57th state.






***


It was recently reported in the news that the President had been accidentally locked out of the White House. For that one panicked moment Obama thought that they must have found his real birth certificate.


***


Obama was leaving the country club golf course when he was accosted by an armed robber who demanded, "Give me all of your money!" Barack haughtily replied, "Do you know who I am. I'm the President of the United States!" The robber snarled back, "Then give me all MY money."


***


Q. What Bruce Springsteen song always makes Obama grin?
A. “Born in the U.S.

[CCBill]

the pastor's new dentures
A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

[JWS]

BEWILDERED TEXAN

While hiking down along the border at daybreak this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River ; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...

[tjmurphy]

[CCBill]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Owd Wullie]

An old man was walking in the park when he came upon a beautiful young girl walking the opposite direction.

Their eyes met and he smiled at her.

There was an instant spark between them and she fell to the ground at his feet.

As he knelt in the soft grass beside her he smiled and thought, wow these Tasers are really worth the money!!!

[JWS]

Cop pulls over 72 yr. old lady. While going over her Id's he notices a Consealed carry permit.
Cop; mam do you have a consealed weapon?
Lady; Yes officer. I have a 44 mag. in the glove box.
Cop; Is that all?
Lady; no I have a .375 mag. in my arm rest.
Cop; Is that all?
Lady; no, I have a 9mm in my purse
Cop; Is that all?
Lady; no I have a 12 gage in the trunk.
Cop; Lady what in the world are you scared of?
Lady; NOT A DAMN THING!!