Hear of a Good One Lately

[gringo]

and they say dogs are afraid of fireworks.

[Miller Bro's]

[knife-nut]

That is so funny. I can't get it to enlarge.

[stressmaster5000]

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.
Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.
In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric chines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.
We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.
We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But we didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.
We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

[MITCH RAPP]

That Damn Cat!

[9ball]

Mitch.......I have always said "Cats sit and think of nothing but Murder all day".

9ball

[johnnierotten]

Murder and Mayhem!!!

[9ball]

I stand corrected.......

[johnnierotten]

[CCBill]

Baptizing an Irishman

An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

(get ready for this.....)


The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,





"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[orvet]

Mitch.......I have always said "Cats sit and think of nothing but Murder all day".

9ball

Cats aren't all bad.
I rather like them stir-fried with Hoisin sauce and Jasmine rice.

[Owd Wullie]

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president the same question.

"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one..."

He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Biden asked Powell, "Colin, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yelled back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON D.C. !!

[MITCH RAPP]

Willie, Ain't that the Truth!

[CCBill]

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2010

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland , CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself
inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing
beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to
drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to
withdraw money from his own bank accounts!

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself
for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control
himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:
'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart'.
'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'


7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch
without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. ( hellooooooo )!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA,
some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get
their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much
power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking
someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything
in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller
was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[MITCH RAPP]

Deer Cam!

[MITCH RAPP]

One More! This Guy was picking sand out of his teeth for a week!

[johnnierotten]

...awesome face plant!!

[MITCH RAPP]

[CCBill]

IDIOT SIGHTING

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 and I asked
"May I have large bills, please?"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her...

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the
technician, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not
have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made
at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave
the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back."
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my
request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said
'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think
this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the
company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully,
'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for
the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said,
"the dash don't be silent."
SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember
to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT !

They walk among us......and they VOTE !

[CCBill]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

[gringo]

first time i saw a deer take out two cars at once!

[JWS]

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven.. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh,' said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible,' said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."


"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man.

"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office . . . He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[CCBill]

In Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, before the flooding, this fella, Boudreaux,
had a bad vehicle accident, caused
by an Exxon Tanker truck also fleeing high water with load of newly repriced
gasoline.

In court, the Exxon company's fancy lawyer was
questioning Boudreaux.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine," the lawyer
asked?

Boudreaux responded, "Let me told you what happened. Me, I had jus
loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da . . . . "

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, "I'm fine!"?

Boudreaux said, "I had jus got Bessie into da trailer and I was driving
down da road . . . "

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Boudreaux's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favorite mule, Bessie."

Boudreaux thanked the Judge and proceeded, " I had just loaded Bessie,
my favorite mule, into da trailer and was driving her down da highway
when dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my
truck right in da side. Me, I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into da udder. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move at
tall. But, I could herd ole Bessie moanin and groanin. Me, I knew she
was in some kind o' terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da
accident, a Highway Patrolman, he came on da scene. He herd Bessie
moanin' and groanin' so, him, he went over ta her. After he took hisself
a look at her, he took out his gun and shot her between da eyes. Den da
Patrolman came cross da road, gun in hand, and looked at me, and said
'How are you feeling?'"

"Now what da hell would you say?"

[Gunsmoke47]

OH Bill..... That's too classic!

[johnnierotten]

Yeah...I'm fine!!!