Hear of a Good One Lately

[stressmaster5000]

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS


Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does

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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

[jerryd6818]

The Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate.

Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups involve in dis here rooster fightin", he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "De Texas Aggies, de local Cajuns, and de Mafia from N'awlins".

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight
in person. And I knowed immedjiately dat dem Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns was involved when sum-body bet on de duck!"

"Ah, I see, I see....." sighed the sergeant, "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won!"

[tjmurphy]

Now that is funny, I don't care who you are!! Da duck won!!!

[jerryd6818]

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem
One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, could he see a picture
of his wife.

The guy says 'sure' and shows him a picture of his wife.

The deputy says, 'I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a
truck.'

The guy says,' Yeah, I know, but she has a great personality and is an
excellent cook.'

[tjmurphy]

All right Jerry, you've got to stop it!! My poor old worn out, clogged artery heart can't stand much more. By the way, love both or 'em

[jerryd6818]

'Bout time I got a laugh this morning. I've been steppin' on my crank left and right.

[CCBill]

Thanks, ya'll. Those are excellent...
...CCBill...

[bamafan]

Now this is a good excuse for calling in sick



We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent! occasion n, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard
my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the l last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.

Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics
were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while
trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?"

They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew!

[CCBill]

The excuse I always wanted to use, is; "Sorry but I can't come in to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean all of the guns, OK?"
Do ya think that would get you the day off?
...CCBill...

[tjmurphy]

Not only a day off, but also a good long holiday

[jerryd6818]

The voices told me to stay home and clean all of the guns, OK?"
Do ya think that would get you the day off?
...CCBill...

Not if you work for the CIA.

[bamafan]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[tjmurphy]

Bless Her Heart That's a good one.

[Outlaw358]

LOL good one man...

[johnnierotten]

bamafan...thats a good one..

[philco]

Her Diary and His Diary ~ FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.




His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

[philco]

The Sensitive Husband:

This guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the front door.

There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so can he see a picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure" and shows the deputy a picture of his wife. The deputy says,

"I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook."

[CCBill]

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in AIG one year ago,
you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received
$214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American!

God Bless America!

[orvet]

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in AIG one year ago,
you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,
then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received
$214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American!

God Bless America!

Bill,
Is that a new signature line?
Were you trying to say; "Cum omnibus cecidisti, concidisse simula"?

My favorite bastardized Latin phase is Illegitimi non carborundum!

Take care buddy!
Dale

[CCBill]

OOPS! You are right. I was wrong. I am going to correct it, now...
Thanks for the correction...

The first time I ever saw the classic "illegeitimi non carborundum" it was letterd on the back of an old, mid-70's funny car, the "Chi-town Hustler".
...CCBill...








cum omnibus cecidisti condisse simula
(NOT "quando omni flunkus moritati")

[jerryd6818]

Logic - She said, he heard.



A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why in the world did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[CCBill]

Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few
minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly andthere stood the woman,
wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[CCBill]

...How dry is it in Texas?...




A buddy out of Longview said he'd killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen.

A man in Lubbock said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens
crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

In Lake Palestine , they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it!


It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are using wet-wipes,
the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Now THAT's Dry!

[johnnierotten]

[CCBill]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door