Hear of a Good One Lately

[johnnierotten]

Jerry ....thats almost as sick my joke!!

This is a true story.....
I knew this Guy who's Girlfriend would lick the cheese and stuff off Doritos ..but didn't eat the chip. I stumbled into a party they were hosting when I found out the hard way what she done with the chips when She was through with them...........I spew chunks all over their living room floor after cramming a couple SOGGY Doritos in my mouth!!.....The skank would put them back in the bag!!
Still to this day...I can't eat Doritos!!

[JWS]

JR. I would have had a hard time not hitting her thru a screen door.

Now for something completly different;

A redneck from South Carolina decides to travel to Tennessee. When he gets to Franklin , he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.
He walks into a timber company’s office and
fills out an application as an experienced log inspector. It's his lucky day.
They just happen to be looking for someone, but first, the log foreman takes him for a ride into the forest in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.
The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree "see that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."
the redneck promptly answers, "that thar's a white pine, 383 board feet of lumber in 'er."
the foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.
"that's a loblolly pine and she's got about 456 clear board feet."
the foreman is really impressed with the good ol' boy, he has been quick and got the answers right without using a calculator.
One more test. They drive a little further down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window and says, "and what about that one?"
before the foreman finishes pointing, the redneck says, "white oak,
242 board feet at best."
the foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little ticked off because he thinks the red neck is smarter than he is. As they near the office, another foreman stops the truck and asks bubba to step outside.
He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "see that tree over there? I want you to mark an x on the front of that tree."
the foreman thinks to himself, what an idiot, how would he know the front from the back of the tree?

[philco]

............... ......................


Just like those trees they cut down last week..............I'm stumped!

[tjmurphy]

To Be Continued............................

[JWS]

And now the rest of the story.
The red neck walks around the tree looking. looks down at the ground and marks an X on the opp. side from where he looked down. He returned to the forman who thought I got him now. How did you deside that was the front. His reply was somebody had taken a crap behind it. He got the job.

[johnnierotten]

[orvet]

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbour has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.



REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbour has none.
So?



SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbour.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.



COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.



CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.



BUREAUCRACY, CANADIAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pour the milk down the drain.



AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.



FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.



JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.



GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.



ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.



RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.



TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.



IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.




POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.



BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.



FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.



CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[MITCH RAPP]

[jerryd6818]

From the early 80s:



What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in a pool? ---- BOB

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs lying on the floor? ---- MATT

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall? ---- ART

What do you call a woman with only one leg? ---- EILEEN

What do you call a Korean woman with only one leg? ---- IRENE

What do you call a dog with no legs? ---- IT DOESN'T MATTER. HE WON'T COME ANYWAY!


More tastefull humor brought to you by the guy who asks the probing question - "Were all the guys in Sha Na Na gay?"
I mean seriously, check out Pretty Little Angel Eyes

[johnnierotten]

I got some more , Jerry..

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs under your car?........JACK

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the bushes?.........RUSSEL

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a hole?.........PHIL

What do you call a Gay Indian?..........A BRAVE SUCKER


.

What do you call a dog with no legs? ---- IT DOESN'T MATTER. HE WON'T COME ANYWAY!

This is my favorite!!

[MITCH RAPP]

Here's another one!

What do you call a Guy who Plays with Himself on an Airplane?

A Skyjacker

[johnnierotten]

....I LIKE IT!!

[Classic Case]

What do you call 2 guys hanging on the wall? Curt & Rod

[johnnierotten]

[Iron Hoarder]

Two Irish men were nailing down floor boards. Every time one of them found an upside down nail in the box he threw it away. The other Irish guy looked at him and said " You idiot, save'em for the ceiling! "

[johnnierotten]

...makes sense to me..

[jerryd6818]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear..

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

[mumblypeg]

[MITCH RAPP]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and

guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses

her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He

probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants

sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,

thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey.

I love you too!!"

[jerryd6818]

An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective ....

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

13. Knife World is read by people who don't care who runs the country as long as they don't try to take away their knives.

I slipped that last one in there just for the folks here at AAPK.

[fergusontd]

What do you call a guy setting in a G.M. S.U.V. ? Jimmy

[CCBill]

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs lying on the beach? "Sandy".

[MITCH RAPP]

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. “I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We ll check it out.” A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?” “Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 10,000 Shekels on Goliath

[CCBill]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body".

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife".

[johnnierotten]