Hear of a Good One Lately

[gmusic]

[tjmurphy]

Hillary and Chelsea was sitting at a table having the mother/daughter talk when Hillary asked, "You have been dating this young man for several years. Have you had sex?"
Chelsea replied, "No. Not according to Dad."

[gmusic]

[orvet]

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.

Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asked as she shook the older boy in anger..

'We were just playing 'church' mommy,' he said.
'I was just baptizing him......in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'


For all my Baptist friends.
Dale

[tjmurphy]

Amen Brother Dale Dat's a goot von.

[gmusic]

[tjmurphy]

A small zoo in Arkansas obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a

few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon

examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in

heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.



Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton,

a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.Bobby

Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to

satisfy a female of any species. Herein, the Zoo Keeper thought they

might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition: Would

he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?



Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter

over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept

their offer, but only under five conditions:



"First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper

quickly agreed to this condition.





"Second," he said, "she must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The

Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.



"Third," he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The Keeper

again readily agreed to this condition.





"Fourth," Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern

Baptist." Once again it was agreed.





"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the

$500.00." -----

[johnnierotten]

Here about the new Muslim talking doll.........no one knows what it says....cause nobody has the balls to pull the string!!

[jmh58]

LMAO!!! John

[jerryd6818]

THE GUNNY


In the Blue Ridge Mountains , there was a retired Marine who was reputed
to have the best hunting dog ever, by the name of "Gunny."
Three Marine Generals went up into the mountains and wanted to rent him.
The old Marine said, "He's a real good huntin' dog. Gonna cost ya $50 a
day."
They agreed and three days later came back with the limit. The next year
they came back. "'Gunny got better," the old fellow said, "this year I'm
gonna charge you $75 a day."
Again they agreed, and 2 days later they came back with the limit.
The third year they came back and told the old Marine they had to have
"Gunny" even if it cost $100 a day.
The old Marine spat and angrily replied, "You can have the worthless mutt
for $5 a day, and even at that rate I'm overcharging you $4 !!" The
bewildered Generals asked, "But we don't understand, what happened to
him?" "Well, a bunch of new Lieutenants from Quantico came up and rented
him. One of the idiots called him 'Sergeant Major' by mistake, and now
all the SOB does is sit on his ass all day and bark!"

[johnnierotten]

[gino]

We all know bee's make honey but what kind of bee's make milk???







BOOBIES!

[tjmurphy]

Gino, you are such a Card!!

[MITCH RAPP]

[tjmurphy]

This is a bit off-color, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK









A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember the title.

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."

[jerryd6818]

The following joke contains a little implied foul language. If that offends you, please skip over it and go to the next post.

A Marine returns home to Pennsylvania after 13 months in the land of Oz (Viet Nam) and his best friend decides he wants to do something special for him to celebrate his homecoming. He thinks and thinks and finally decides since his old Marine buddy always liked deer hunting and deer season happens to be in, he will take him hunting. He asks and the Marine says yeah, he'd like that so they take off early one Saturday morning and drive back up into the mountains, way back in the sticks.

They're driving down a dirt road looking for a place to hunt when they spot an old ramshackle farm place a little piece back up off the road. The guy pulls up in the yard and says to the Marine, "I'm going up to see if we can hunt. Do you want to come along?" and the Marine says, "Naw, I'll just sit out here and wait."

The guy goes up, bangs on the door and a grizzled old timer comes to the door. The guy says, "Say old timer, we're looking for a place to hunt. Do you mind if we hunt on your place?"

The old timer thinks about it for a second and says, "Well, maybe."

The guy says, "What do you mean maybe."

The old timer says, "If you'll do me a favor, I'll let you hunt."

The guy says, "Okay but it depends on the favor."

The old timer says, "You see that mule standing out there in the pasture? I've had him ever since he was a colt. Now he's old like me and he's almost blind and can't get around very well. I can tell he's in a bunch of pain and it just about tears my heart out. I don't have the heart to do it myself but if you boys will put him down for me, you can hunt. After I finish my grieving, I'll go out and bury him."

The guy says, "Don't mean nothin' to me. Sure. We'll do it." and he heads back to the car. On the way, he thinks to himself, "my buddy has been out of contact for a while, I think I'll play a little trick on him."

He gets back to the car and the Marine says, "Well, is he going to let us hunt?"

The guy says, "No. The old bstd. Makes me so g.d. mad, I think I'll just kill his mule." BLAM

The Marine gets a crazed look in his eye and says, "Yeah and his f'in cows too!" BLAM BLAM BLAM

[gringo]

ROLF

[On Edge]

LOL! Not bad!

OK, here's another "rural" tale ... it's called "The Arrogance of Authority" ...


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with the old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being
chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge! ... show him your BADGE........!!"

[mumblypeg]

[tjmurphy]

MORE OFF COLOR - READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married.

She's a virgin.
Truth be known, he is also a virgin, but she doesn't know that.On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

He trys to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress her.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - You juss ask. Whatchu want?
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from
odda girls it ah . . . . . Numbaa 69..'



In a puzzled tone he replies: 'You want . . Garlic Chicken wif Snow Peas?'

.

[Owd Wullie]

A blind man was flying in a small plane with his brother, the pilot, when his brother suddenly clutched his chest and died.

After finally finding the radio, the blind man called for help and was answered by an air traffic controller at a nearby airport.

“You’ve got to help me! I’m totally blind, the pilot of this plane is dead, and we are flying upside down!”

The air traffic controller answered “I understand that the pilot is dead and you are blind, but if you are blind how do you know that you are flying upside down?”

“Because I have shyte running up my neck!!!”

[CCBill]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,

"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."

[Owd Wullie]

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.

After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant.
That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

[tjmurphy]

Good one Willie. I think I'll start eating my soup with a good sharp knife. No putting things away with that

[mumblypeg]

They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq ! .

To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his
hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked,

'Just how many is a brazilian?'