Hear of a Good One Lately

[gmusic]

swift and severe........................

[Ringmaster]

My Pop kept a coop of chickens his entire adult life ( I don't know why, we never ate one )...

So, one night, when I was about 4 or 5, this coon got in the chicken coop. Old Black Bart, a HUGE old rooster that the old man had caponized when he was young, gave that coon "what for", but eventually the coon killed him. Then the coon turned on this old Rhode Island Red hen (if she had a name, I don't remember it). Well, the coon was gonna eat her, and bit off her left leg, just above the knee (below the drumstick). About that time, Pop got out there and ran the coon off.

The old gal lived, and since she was too tough to eat, and she'd always been a good layer - Pop made her a wooden peg-leg out of an old 2x4, laying around the shop. She did pretty good with it, too - left an odd track, in the dust tho'... The next spring, she started settin' on a clutch of eggs, and durned if she didn't hatch out a woodpecker !

[gmusic]

[Oman]

An Oregon traffic stop ......



A guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local
policeman.

The guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his
concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you
carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.
There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum
derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a damned thing..."

[tjmurphy]

WIFE FROM HELL



A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking.!!'

[gino]

LOL! thats a awesome funny joke Murph. LOL! I love it!

[Oman]

Aw, man!

Thanx, TJ

[tjmurphy]

Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,‘Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

[big monk]

That's Funny

[Cope]

What's that on your nose dude?

[tc3500]

edit

[gmusic]

Caddy Replies

# 10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth.

# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy : "Eventually."

# 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too
much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game ?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

And the # 1 Best Caddy Comment.....

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.*

[tjmurphy]

Played golf one time in my life, 9-hole and I think par 3. I walked every inch of that course, back and forth, both directions. So these Golfer - Caddy lines fit me to a tee (pardon the pun). Funny stuff Gary, and I can relate.

[tjmurphy]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the
Taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”
>
>Passenger: “Who?”
>
>Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like
>my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank
>Feldman every single time.”
>
>Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
>
>Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
>Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
>baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the
>piano. He was an amazing guy.”
>
>Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
>
>Cabbie: “There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered
>everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
>fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and
>the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.”
>
>Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
>
>Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
>jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made
>a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He
>would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was
>always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never
>made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
>
>Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
>
>Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

[vikingdog]

How to pick up fat chicks:

http://mail.aol.com/33222-111/aol-6/en- ... _chick.wmv

My morning work out:

http://mail.aol.com/33222-111/aol-6/en- ... ancing.wmv

[The Tourist]

A fellow rider was eating at a diner when six rednecks walked in. Seeing a chance to abuse a lone biker, they insult him, take his food and tip over his coffee. The biker doesn't say a word, just pays his tab and walks out.

One of the inbreds spits, "Boy he sure wasn't much of a man!"

The waitress remarks, "He sure wasn't much of a biker, either. He had to run his spurs along a half dozen pick-up trucks just to stay upright..."

[Owd Wullie]

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get ****** out of my peaches....

[Owd Wullie]

A fellow rider was eating at a diner when six rednecks walked in. Seeing a chance to abuse a lone biker, they insult him, take his food and tip over his coffee. The biker doesn't say a word, just pays his tab and walks out.

One of the inbreds spits, "Boy he sure wasn't much of a man!"

The waitress remarks, "He sure wasn't much of a biker, either. He had to run his spurs along a half dozen pick-up trucks just to stay upright..."

Never understood why "bikers" wear spurs either.

Spurs and harley shirts not required.



The original version had a solo truck driver in a biker bar.

after some abuse the trucker left and was derided as "not being much of man"

To which the waitress replied, "He ain't much of a truck driver either. He just ran over every motorcycle in the parking lot when he left.

[The Tourist]

Never understood why "bikers" wear spurs either.

We had it as a "fashion statement" several years back. A guy would decorate only one boot with a silver toe cap, a heel cap, a spur, a chain harness and conchos, and then leave the other one plain.

I was always afraid I'd scratch my bike and never did it. I haven't seen it in years, so lots of people must have learned the hard way.

My guess is this joke has made the circuit with everyone. It has been re-written for the Packers/Bears rivalry, every ethnic group you can think of, and mostly likely simply detailing exploits of men vs. women or husbands and wives.

(Nice knuckle. I hope that's a good seat or has some springs under the seat-pan. But then, I also have a modern EFI Sportie, and that hurts lots, too. Your addiction seems obvious, I see a second bike in the background. I see we also use the same tailor.)

[On Edge]

A busineesman, arriving at the airport in the wee hours after a red-eye flight, climbs in a cab outside the terminal, and strikes up a conversation with the cab driver ...

"Man .... I'm always out of town, and I think it's taking its toll. You think you could do me a favor?"

"What's that?" asks the cabbie.

"I think my wife is cheating on me, but I need a witness when I catch her in the act. Will you help me?"

The cabbie wanted no part of it, until the man offered him $100 to be his 'witness' ...

When they got to the man's ample estate, they crept in through the back door and went into the study, where the man retrieved a .45 from the desk drawer, and then they tiptoed upstairs ...

Sure enough when he flips on the bedroom light, there is his wife in the throes of passion with another man ... snatching the covers off the couple and leaving them naked and shivering, the man levels his gun at the intruder ...

"Wait!" his wife exclaimed, "You don't understand ... this man has helped our family for many years!" ... "You know that inheritance I told you I got? Well it was really to cover the fact that this man has provided all the finer things to us for all these years ... this house, the kids' private schools, your Mercedes, all the antiques, our vacations ... he even picks up the tab for your country club membership ... please don't shoot him ... "

The man, still holding the shaking gun, turns to the cab driver and asks, "What should I do?"

The cabbie replies, "Well, if it was me ... I'd cover his ass up before he catches cold!"

[tjmurphy]

[orvet]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'

[tjmurphy]

God Bless that old Nun.

[Oman]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[mumblypeg]