Hear of a Good One Lately

[Paladin]

Somehow I failed to find a lot of humor in that post.

Ray

[philco]

Good one! Good one! Check out his plunber's butt!

Ray he tested positive for crack.

[Paladin]

Good one! Good one! Check out his plunber's butt!

Ray he tested positive for crack.

[jerryd6818]

I'm on the fence here. Humor or fact?

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met
yet!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown
up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it.

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I
finally snap!

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs
work.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

[peanut740]

Jerry I resemble all of them.......and I don't give a damn.

[royal0014]

Amen, Brother .. ... ..

[jerryd6818]

Jerry I resemble all of them.......and I don't give a damn.

Most of those hit pretty close to home with me too.
And apparently Royal.

[Dragline]

Can't tell a lie

[philco]

Posting this for JWW ..........

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

[big monk]

Today's short reading from the Bible _______________

From Genesis ""And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth""

Then He made the earth round --- and He laughed and laughted and laughted ****

[carrmillus]

Can't tell a lie

....... !!!!!!.................. .................

[tjmurphy]

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:
“First - Whatever happened in Benghazi?”
“Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?”
“Third –Whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

Little Johnny--puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is. "Johnny,“ he answers.

"And what is your question, Johnny?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened in Benghazi?”

“Second – Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?”

“Third- Whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

“Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?”

“Fifth - where's Kenneth?"

[Mumbleypeg]

Unfortunately that story is sadly near the truth, in every respect.

Ken

[Dragline]

Help Line

[Paladin]

FLAWLESS MALE LOGIC ...

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
(This is where it gets scary !)
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?[/b]

[carrmillus]

.......... ....................

[orvet]

I thought this was funny.

No Patrick.jpg (22.82 KiB) Viewed 2807 times

[jerryd6818]

[royal0014]

[carrmillus]

.........priceless!!!!................ ................

[Paladin]

This is a fun one!

Subject: Bud the Montana Cowboy


A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a
remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a
brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of
dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci®
shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the
window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how
many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you
give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then
looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
"Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell®
notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up
a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans
the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple
iPad® that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an
ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his
Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full- color, 150-page report
on his hi- tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns
to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows
and calves.

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals
and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it
into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell
you exactly what your business is, will you give me back
my calf?"

/*The young man thinks about it for a second and then
says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government",
says Bud.

" Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did
you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You
showed up here even though nobody called you; you want
to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question
I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don' t know sh* t about how working
people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.
This is a herd of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."


AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

[carrmillus]

............. .................... .............

[orvet]

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

+1

[treefarmer]

It's a shame that couldn't be emailed or texted or what ever you do to send it to all those fine folks in charge of this great country. There certainly is food for thought in that great joke!
Treefarmer

[jerryd6818]

Thoughts From An Unhinged Mind

· The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.

· My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.

· My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.

· I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

· I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

· Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.

· The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm that's coming.

· Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!

· If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "How did you get in my house," business!

· The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

· On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.

· I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

· I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

· What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?