Is my thinking on this topic insensitive?

[glennbad]

I called my mom last night just to say hi and see how she was doing. She kind of hemmed an hawed a bit and said she was okay. I asked if she was sick, and she said no, just a bit sad. I didn't think too much of it , as she has good days, and sad days, and we just continued our conversation. Later, I was watching TV with the wife and she asked how my conversation with mom went. I said okay, but she seemed sad. My wife then said, isn't today the day your dad passed away? You know, I never even thought of that.

Which brings me to the reason for my post. I purposely choose not to recognize or remember the days my loved ones passed away. To me, that gives importance to a horrible day in my life, and the last thing I want to do is give it any power or importance. Am I just being insensitive? I would rather remember birthdays, or anniversaries, those are happy days, not the worst day in their and our lives.

I don't like bringing this type of thing up, as people deal with loss and grief in their own way, and having to recall a loved ones' passing can be painful. I feel bad when my wife reminds me the such and such a date is the day her mom or dad passed. I must come off as a bit selfish to her. I have explained that I choose not to remember those days, and try to be supportive, but I can't help but feel like I am acting like a jerk.

What are your feelings on this, if you would like to comment?

Glenn

[Jeffinn]

Glenn,
It’s not selfish or bad to remember the good things/times about a departed loved one. We all deal with death in our own way. I’m like you in that I would rather remember the great times I had with a person.
Jeff

[royal0014]

Don't judge yourself too harshly Glenn.
As you know, everyone grieves differently. The most important thing is that you remember ...
How you choose to do that is only between you and God.

[jmh58]

Glenn.. I too chose not to remember dates of loved ones passing.. Don't know why?? But I do..
John

[Byrd]

I don't think you're being insensitive at all. My Dad passed a few years ago on New Years day. He was in terrible pain for several days prior to that, in the hospital and couldn't remember anyone. I now hate New Years Eve with all the celebrating. For me it's not a time to celebrate. I'd rather remember him teaching me to play baseball of family campouts.

[Mumbleypeg]

I would never judge how anyone chooses to remember any person important in their life. Personally I honor my parents’ birthdays, wedding anniversary, and deaths. Plus Memorial Day (Dad was a WWII vet). And we always place wreaths on their graves after Thanksgiving and leave them through Christmas. I usually make a trip to their gravesites on those occasions. Fortunately they’re not far away.

To each his/her own.

Ken

[tongueriver]

I remember most of the good dates and bad ones, but I don't dwell. I think I tend to spend too much time on the past and on the future, and not enough on the present. I am now in the evening of my life and that accounts for some of my opinions on this matter.

[XX Case XX]

Everyone is different, but I choose to remember. For me, even death is "all inclusive" for that persons memory, good or bad. Memories are not always good, but they are still memories.

____________
Mike

[dlr110]

I would never judge anyone on how they choose to remember friends and loved ones. With me I choose to remember those that have passed with my memories of them, not the day of their passing. When my Dad passed I was still in uniform and I presented the American Flag to my Mother as a part of the military honors at graveside. I have only been back to his grave twice since 1987, to make sure the stone was correct and to show some to my g'kids where their grandfather was buried. Do it the way you are most comfortable.

[rea1eye]

This is a topic that everyone deals with grief and life in different ways.

There is no right or wrong way.

You could not be considered insensitive since you brought this topic up here on the forum to explore
other peoples ideas.

Bob

[Colonel26]

I don’t think you’re insensitive at all. I don’t remember the dates of my loved ones passing either. While it is customary here to make sure the graves of our loves ones are decorated, I’m not a big gravesite visitor either.

I make sure I pass the stories of previous generations on to my sons, I want them to “know” the ones who came before them and to hand those stories down to their kids. And I have keepsakes from past generations that I collect and use to teach their stories too. To me that’s more important that the death anniversary.

YMMV.

[doglegg]

I'm not a date of death rememberer either. I think about them on their birthdays but also every other day. For both of my folks death was a friend as both were not in a good condition by then. Loved them then, love them now.

[eveled]

She probably thinks you remembered the date but did not want to talk about it. You are not insensitive at all.

[rangerbluedog]

I would rather not remember, but I can't help it because my Dad passed away on my birthday.
Now birthdays are just not the same.

But, NO, you are not insensitive at all.

[OLDE CUTLER]

I would rather not remember, but I can't help it because my Dad passed away on my birthday.
Now birthdays are just not the same.

But, NO, you are not insensitive at all.

Same here, my dad died on Christmas Day.

[1967redrider]

Maybe it's part of my sickness (knife collecting), but I purchased 2 Case Calendar knives- March 12, 2016 & September 13, 2016. Brenda and I had our first date on September 13th, we were reacquainted after almost 32 years because my mom passed on March 12th that same year.

Just my little memorial, funny how things work.

[RobesonsRme.com]

I know the years that my parents died, but without consulting my genealogy program, I could not accurately tell you the day, date or month.

Same is true re’ my grandparents and my twelve year old nephew.

I remember them all frequently, but I do not mark the day in my mind and spend it in grief and/or remorse.

That will probably not be the case if Sarah precedes me in death.

My older sister, on the other hand, can tell you date and time of just about every immediate and extended family member’s death. It’s important to her to know that, but not to me.

There are friends that died in Vietnam and I know those dates for some reason. Go figure.

Charlie Noyes

[philco]

My head is full of all kinds of dates, birthdays, dates loved ones passed away, first dates, etc. It's not that I make a specific effort to remember them, they're just stuck in my head. On the other hand, I often can't remember why I walked from one room to the other.

As far as mourning more on the anniversary of a loved ones passing, I can't say I do that. I just mark the day in my mind and often wonder at how much time has gone by since then. We all deal with grief and loss in our own way.

[glennbad]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It seems there are many different ways of looking at this, so it's good to know there is no one correct answer, other than we deal with it in our own way.

[zzyzzogeton]

Glenn,

Everyone remembers different things. Some are important while others are trivial. Some are important to you but not to others and vice versa. There is no wrong reaction. I personally remember the birth and death dates of some relatives, but not others. I can remember the addresses of nearly ever place I have ever live and every license plate assigned since 1971. I can't remember the phone numbers of any of my sisters, brothers, nieces or nephews.

Your mother was more intimately familiar with your father than you were, knew him longer than you, shared more experiences with him than you. She is always going to be affected more than you. That you do not react in a similar manner to her does not mean that you are a bad person. It just means you are different from her.

Celebrate your memories of your father in your way.

[TwoFlowersLuggage]

My sister remembers every birth day and death day of our parents, her husband and many of our relatives. My brother tends to remember them because he knows she does, and he worries that she will be sad. I'm the youngest, and I don't remember any of the dates. I'm always surprised when I see my sister post something about it on Facebook or text or email me. It is simply not something I think about.

[Sundog Knives]

My wife's mother passed away on my birthday several years ago. On this day since, I have made it a point over the years to emphasize her mother's bountiful life and in some ways deflect attention from myself in order to allow our two children to hear stories about their grandmother they never met.