Hear of a Good One Lately

[KnifeSlinger#81]

Re: Everyday Humor
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[danno50]

An friend has this sign hanging in the back of his shop, back where his wife doesn't go.

"I a man is alone in the woods, with no women around, is he still wrong."

Dan

[orvet]

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight.
“I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.
“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.

“A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary.


“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary”, replied President Trump.

[mumblypeg]

[Paladin]

I read this one this morning and got a kick out if it. Thought you might enjoy it.

Ray

COSTCO DOCTOR

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor.
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco"
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.



The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant -- Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!


Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

[Mumbleypeg]

An elderly couple were sitting on their patio sipping wine one evening.

The woman said "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband replied "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

Ken

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

" God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Paladin]

[Mumbleypeg]

Ken

[Old Folder]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. He looked upward and spoke out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking: the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’ and how I can make a woman truly happy?”

After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

[mrwatch]

Bob and The Blonde

Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM.
He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I reckon he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money".
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[Paladin]

Bob and The Blonde

Bob walked into a sports bar around 5:58 PM.
He sat down next to a very attractive blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 6 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I reckon he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, “You’re on!"

The blonde placed her money on the bar, and kept watching the scene on the telly. The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money".
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[treefarmer]

Ray, Mr. Watch really posted one !
That's funny, I chuckled and then I just plain laughed. I needed that!
Treefarmer

[Paladin]

The Best Last Kiss...

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east
on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"While he didn't want to appear too "insensitive,"

George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?" So with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ...and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another
even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker- buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

..It's still unclear whether he jumped or was pushed.

Ray

[Knife Nut]

Ray, you had me on the hook until the last two lines.
Great finish!

Paul

[tjmurphy]

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…

“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

[Paladin]

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor:

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown
Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya
fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls
off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite
innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

[philco]

[mrwatch]

I just blew coffee al over my key board!

[treefarmer]

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words:

While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12 foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Berretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It is one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus.

[Paladin]

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words:

While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12 foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Berretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It is one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus.

Ray

[Quick Steel]

That's terrible. I love it!

[tjmurphy]

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.

“Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”

[mrwatch]

Default Re: Everyday Humor
warning: pun ahead

Henry Ford gets a phone call from an excited trio of Jewish brothers who invite him to come and see their new invention. "It will change cars forever" they state. He meets them at a warehouse on a very hot afternoon in July, and they take him inside where a lone Model A sedan is sitting. One of the brothers invites Henry to join him inside the car, and only after a few minutes, the car becomes hot and uncomfortable.

"Damn it man, show me your invention!" bellows Henry

The brother starts the car and presses a button on the dashboard. Instantly, cool, dry air fills the interior, and a big smile comes over Henry's face. He realizes this is a great invention, so the talks begin. The brother starts off:

"We want $500,000 for the patent for 'air conditioning'."
"No way" says Henry.
"Okay, how about $400,000 then?"
"Nope. Too expensive."
"Well, my final offer is $300,000, BUT, you have to include me and my brother's names on every car!"

Henry thinks for a moment, then agrees to the deal.

So, to this very day, just look on the dash of any Ford vehicle, and you'll see the names "HI," "MAX," and "NORM."

[Paladin]

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Fred replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

---Priceless!