Hear of a Good One Lately

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Quick Steel
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Quick Steel »

Red Skelton routine.

Farmer: I want you to meet my daughters.

Red: Oh, you have daughters?

Farmer: Yes, I have two daughters: Hortence and Lassie.

Red: But Lassie is a dog's name.

Farmer: Wait until you see Hortence.
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by QTCut5 »

You are absolutely right, sweetheart, I do need to buy another knife!
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We are all just prisoners here of our own device.
In the master's chamber they gather for the feast.
They stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast.
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by fergusontd »

::woot:: An elderly couple walks into a diner for lunch. As they set at the counter they watch the cook take a big ball of hamburger meat and put it under his arm and flaten it out and then put it on the grill. The old lady asks the counter man isn't that a little unsanitary? The counter man says oh no, you should see how he makes donuts!
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by mrwatch »

At a senior center in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.
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Quick Steel
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Quick Steel »

Very funny because it contains a lot of truth. :lol:
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by tjmurphy »

"There are none so blind as those that refuse to see"

God Bless America - Though I don't know why he would want to.
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Unk
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Unk »

That chimp joke always cracks me up. ::tu:: ::tu::

I have been having some problems with my back lately, and a friend of mine convinced me to see a chiropractor even though I was sure it wouldn't help.

But I stand corrected.
Mike

If you don't watch the news, you are uninformed. If you watch the news, you are misinformed.
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by tjmurphy »

:lol: :lol: Good for you, Unk :lol: :lol:
"There are none so blind as those that refuse to see"

God Bless America - Though I don't know why he would want to.
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by mrwatch »

Default Re: Everyday Humor
An Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed
her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘Who wasa da pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair who is impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.’ ‘I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari,2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him .“You a-gonna try again.
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Unk
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Unk »

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it!
"Oh, come on now," she insisted.She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive
I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it."
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now.
But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open.
"Stay for awhile. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess."
Mike

If you don't watch the news, you are uninformed. If you watch the news, you are misinformed.
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Unk
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Unk »

A guy walks into a bar in England. There are three pretty big gals sitting at the bar speaking in very thick British accents.

"Excuse me, but are you three ladies from London?" the guy asks.

"Wales!" says one of the ladies.

"Oh, excuse me!" says the guy. "Are you three whales from London?"
Mike

If you don't watch the news, you are uninformed. If you watch the news, you are misinformed.
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fergusontd
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by fergusontd »

::facepalm:: Needs to improve his pickup line! ftd
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by mrwatch »

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you".
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this all happen?" The cowboy replied: "A couple of minutes ago."
mrwatch
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by mrwatch »

Management Lessons That Everyone Should Know.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by orvet »

Just sayin.jpg
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Unk »

Actually, Jerry, I am getting to the age where I do end a good portion of my sentences with "Dumb Ass!" :lol: :lol:
Mike

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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by mrwatch »

Re: Everyday Humor
Charlie, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin.

“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?”
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treefarmer
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by treefarmer »

::tu:: That one is always funny!
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by bestgear »

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but … something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'
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tjmurphy
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by tjmurphy »

:lol: :lol: :lol: That's a great one! Probably my wife would prefer a kitchen make-over too. ::uc:: :lol: :lol: :lol:
"There are none so blind as those that refuse to see"

God Bless America - Though I don't know why he would want to.
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Mumbleypeg »

A guy was looking at his old wooden back porch one day, and thought it would look better with a new coat of paint. He decided next weekend he would paint the porch. Saturday morning he went to the hardware store and bought the paint and a couple of brushes. When he returned home he made a sandwich, sat down to eat it, turned on the television and tuned in the football game. By the time he finished lunch he was engrossed in the game, so decided he'd wait until next week to paint his porch.

About that time the doorbell rang. He went to the door to find a neighborhood kid he knew. The kid told him he was trying to earn some spending money, did the man have any jobs he could do to earn some money? The man was a little aggravated at having his game interrupted but thinking quickly he said, "How'd you like to paint my porch? I'll pay you $50." The kid said "Sure, I've painted a lot for my folks." So the man gave him the bucket of paint and a brush, and said, "The porch is around back, go ahead and get started."

The man sat back down to watch the game. About an hour later the doorbell rang again. The man went to the door and there stood the kid. The man said "you finished painting the porch already?"

To which the kid replied "Yessir! It's all painted. But it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Paladin »

Mumbleypeg wrote:A guy was looking at his old wooden back porch one day, and thought it would look better with a new coat of paint. He decided next weekend he would paint the porch. Saturday morning he went to the hardware store and bought the paint and a couple of brushes. When he returned home he made a sandwich, sat down to eat it, turned on the television and tuned in the football game. By the time he finished lunch he was engrossed in the game, so decided he'd wait until next week to paint his porch.

About that time the doorbell rang. He went to the door to find a neighborhood kid he knew. The kid told him he was trying to earn some spending money, did the man have any jobs he could do to earn some money? The man was a little aggravated at having his game interrupted but thinking quickly he said, "How'd you like to paint my porch? I'll pay you $50." The kid said "Sure, I've painted a lot for my folks." So the man gave him the bucket of paint and a brush, and said, "The porch is around back, go ahead and get started."

The man sat back down to watch the game. About an hour later the doorbell rang again. The man went to the door and there stood the kid. The man said "you finished painting the porch already?"

To which the kid replied "Yessir! It's all painted. But it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

Ken
::rotflol:: ::rotflol:: ::rotflol::
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Unk »

A guy goes in for his yearly physical exam, and is about to receive the "flying finger". The guy asks the Dr, "Where should I lay my pants?". The Dr. replies "Over there by mine".

Then the Dr. says "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during a procedure like this." The guy replies "But I don't have an erection." The Dr replies "No, I was talking about me".

Yikes! ::facepalm:: ::facepalm::
Mike

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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Quick Steel »

Mumblypeg, That is one I'll be using/retelling. :lol:
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

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Re: Everyday Humor
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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