Hear of a Good One Lately

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tjmurphy
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby tjmurphy » Sun Jul 23, 2017 12:28 am

An 85-year-old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained…

“Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

“She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor? Good heavens!”

The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”
"There are none so blind as those that refuse to see"

God Bless America - Though I don't know why he would want to.

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Paladin
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Paladin » Sun Jul 23, 2017 8:40 pm

Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor:

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown
Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya
fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls
off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite
innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
Paladin

God Bless the USA
Please visit my store SWEETWATER KNIVES
"Buy more ammo" - Johnnie Fain
"I'm glad I ain't scared to be lazy." Augustus McCrae

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philco
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby philco » Sun Jul 23, 2017 11:16 pm

::rotflol:: ::ds::
Phil
AAPK Administrator

Jesus died for you. Are you living for Him?

"Buy More Ammo!"
Johnnie Fain 1949-2009

Our knives are more than metal and bone;
They're about who we are and the people we've known.

mrwatch
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby mrwatch » Mon Jul 24, 2017 9:10 am

I just blew coffee al over my key board!

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treefarmer
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby treefarmer » Tue Aug 01, 2017 9:17 pm

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words:

While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12 foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Berretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It is one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus.

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Paladin
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Paladin » Tue Aug 01, 2017 9:22 pm

treefarmer wrote:Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

Here's her story in her own words:

While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12 foot alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Berretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The 'gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It is one of the best pistols in my collection, plus the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus.

::rotflol:: ::rotflol:: ::rotflol::

Ray
Paladin

God Bless the USA
Please visit my store SWEETWATER KNIVES
"Buy more ammo" - Johnnie Fain
"I'm glad I ain't scared to be lazy." Augustus McCrae

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Quick Steel
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Quick Steel » Tue Aug 01, 2017 9:27 pm

That's terrible. I love it! :lol:
Looking for clean EOs from very good to excellent to minty to new.

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tjmurphy
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby tjmurphy » Wed Aug 02, 2017 1:55 am

Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret, 75, looked him over.

“Nope.”

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”

Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”
"There are none so blind as those that refuse to see"

God Bless America - Though I don't know why he would want to.

mrwatch
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby mrwatch » Sun Aug 06, 2017 5:38 pm

Default Re: Everyday Humor
warning: pun ahead :mrgreen:

Henry Ford gets a phone call from an excited trio of Jewish brothers who invite him to come and see their new invention. "It will change cars forever" they state. He meets them at a warehouse on a very hot afternoon in July, and they take him inside where a lone Model A sedan is sitting. One of the brothers invites Henry to join him inside the car, and only after a few minutes, the car becomes hot and uncomfortable.

"Damn it man, show me your invention!" bellows Henry

The brother starts the car and presses a button on the dashboard. Instantly, cool, dry air fills the interior, and a big smile comes over Henry's face. He realizes this is a great invention, so the talks begin. The brother starts off:

"We want $500,000 for the patent for 'air conditioning'."
"No way" says Henry.
"Okay, how about $400,000 then?"
"Nope. Too expensive."
"Well, my final offer is $300,000, BUT, you have to include me and my brother's names on every car!"

Henry thinks for a moment, then agrees to the deal.

So, to this very day, just look on the dash of any Ford vehicle, and you'll see the names "HI," "MAX," and "NORM."

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Paladin
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Paladin » Fri Aug 18, 2017 2:27 pm

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "So listen, Fred, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

Fred replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

---Priceless! :shock: :lol:
Paladin

God Bless the USA
Please visit my store SWEETWATER KNIVES
"Buy more ammo" - Johnnie Fain
"I'm glad I ain't scared to be lazy." Augustus McCrae

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Quick Steel
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Quick Steel » Fri Aug 18, 2017 3:19 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Looking for clean EOs from very good to excellent to minty to new.

mrwatch
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby mrwatch » Wed Aug 30, 2017 12:06 pm

Default Re: Everyday Humor
. . . . . . . . . . . . Love Craps!

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps
table when a very attractive blonde woman arrived
and bet one thousand dollars on a single roll of the
dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I am completely nude. With that she
stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She
jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.

She then picked up all the money and her clothes and
quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other
dumbfounded.....Finally, one of them asked, "What did she
roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were
watching!"

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tjmurphy
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby tjmurphy » Fri Sep 01, 2017 1:24 am

21105887_1689737517752040_776597352201772734_n.jpg
"There are none so blind as those that refuse to see"

God Bless America - Though I don't know why he would want to.

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jerryd6818
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby jerryd6818 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 9:21 pm

BUBBA AND BILLY BOB
Bubba and Billy Bob are walking down the street in Atlanta, and
they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts
$2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each."
Bubba says to his pal,
"Billy Bob, look here! We could buy gobs of these, take 'em back to
Tuscaloosa, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me
do the talkin' cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're
ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a
slow Georgia drawl, so's they don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll
take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at
$2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back
up my pickup and ....."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll played football for Bama,
didn’t y’all?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you knowed that?"
"Because this is a dry cleaners."
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.

This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.

"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012

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jerryd6818
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby jerryd6818 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 9:23 pm

Lorilee and I attending Church in Chicago When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, We decided to go there and check them out in person.
As soon as we sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to us. I don't know why, maybe it was because we were the only white people in the church.
He laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today." I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said to Lorilee: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today."Lorilee said that there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold...
Our Car Was Gone!
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.

This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.

"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012


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