Hear of a Good One Lately

[Unk]

A guy walks into a bar in England. There are three pretty big gals sitting at the bar speaking in very thick British accents.

"Excuse me, but are you three ladies from London?" the guy asks.

"Wales!" says one of the ladies.

"Oh, excuse me!" says the guy. "Are you three whales from London?"

[fergusontd]

Needs to improve his pickup line! ftd

[mrwatch]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you".
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this all happen?" The cowboy replied: "A couple of minutes ago."

[mrwatch]

Management Lessons That Everyone Should Know.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

[orvet]

[Unk]

Actually, Jerry, I am getting to the age where I do end a good portion of my sentences with "Dumb Ass!"

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
Charlie, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin.

“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?”

[treefarmer]

That one is always funny!
Treefarmer

[bestgear]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but … something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'

[tjmurphy]

That's a great one! Probably my wife would prefer a kitchen make-over too.

[Mumbleypeg]

A guy was looking at his old wooden back porch one day, and thought it would look better with a new coat of paint. He decided next weekend he would paint the porch. Saturday morning he went to the hardware store and bought the paint and a couple of brushes. When he returned home he made a sandwich, sat down to eat it, turned on the television and tuned in the football game. By the time he finished lunch he was engrossed in the game, so decided he'd wait until next week to paint his porch.

About that time the doorbell rang. He went to the door to find a neighborhood kid he knew. The kid told him he was trying to earn some spending money, did the man have any jobs he could do to earn some money? The man was a little aggravated at having his game interrupted but thinking quickly he said, "How'd you like to paint my porch? I'll pay you $50." The kid said "Sure, I've painted a lot for my folks." So the man gave him the bucket of paint and a brush, and said, "The porch is around back, go ahead and get started."

The man sat back down to watch the game. About an hour later the doorbell rang again. The man went to the door and there stood the kid. The man said "you finished painting the porch already?"

To which the kid replied "Yessir! It's all painted. But it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

Ken

[Paladin]

A guy was looking at his old wooden back porch one day, and thought it would look better with a new coat of paint. He decided next weekend he would paint the porch. Saturday morning he went to the hardware store and bought the paint and a couple of brushes. When he returned home he made a sandwich, sat down to eat it, turned on the television and tuned in the football game. By the time he finished lunch he was engrossed in the game, so decided he'd wait until next week to paint his porch.

About that time the doorbell rang. He went to the door to find a neighborhood kid he knew. The kid told him he was trying to earn some spending money, did the man have any jobs he could do to earn some money? The man was a little aggravated at having his game interrupted but thinking quickly he said, "How'd you like to paint my porch? I'll pay you $50." The kid said "Sure, I've painted a lot for my folks." So the man gave him the bucket of paint and a brush, and said, "The porch is around back, go ahead and get started."

The man sat back down to watch the game. About an hour later the doorbell rang again. The man went to the door and there stood the kid. The man said "you finished painting the porch already?"

To which the kid replied "Yessir! It's all painted. But it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

Ken

[Unk]

A guy goes in for his yearly physical exam, and is about to receive the "flying finger". The guy asks the Dr, "Where should I lay my pants?". The Dr. replies "Over there by mine".

Then the Dr. says "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during a procedure like this." The guy replies "But I don't have an erection." The Dr replies "No, I was talking about me".

Yikes!

[Quick Steel]

Mumblypeg, That is one I'll be using/retelling.

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[KnifeSlinger#81]

Re: Everyday Humor
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[danno50]

An friend has this sign hanging in the back of his shop, back where his wife doesn't go.

"I a man is alone in the woods, with no women around, is he still wrong."

Dan

[orvet]

Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight.
“I need to talk to the president, it’s an emergency!”, exclaimed Hillary.

After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.
“So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?”, grumbled Trump.

“A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place,” begged Hillary.


“Well, it’s OK with me if it’s OK with the mortuary”, replied President Trump.

[mumblypeg]

[Paladin]

I read this one this morning and got a kick out if it. Thought you might enjoy it.

Ray

COSTCO DOCTOR

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor.
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco"
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.



The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant -- Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!


Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

[Mumbleypeg]

An elderly couple were sitting on their patio sipping wine one evening.

The woman said "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband replied "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

Ken

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators.
The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

" God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[Paladin]

[Mumbleypeg]

Ken

[Old Folder]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. He looked upward and spoke out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking: the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’ and how I can make a woman truly happy?”

After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”