Hear of a Good One Lately

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Unk
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Unk » Fri Mar 17, 2017 4:29 pm

A guy walks into a bar in England. There are three pretty big gals sitting at the bar speaking in very thick British accents.

"Excuse me, but are you three ladies from London?" the guy asks.

"Wales!" says one of the ladies.

"Oh, excuse me!" says the guy. "Are you three whales from London?"
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fergusontd
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby fergusontd » Fri Mar 17, 2017 4:52 pm

::facepalm:: Needs to improve his pickup line! ftd
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby mrwatch » Fri Mar 17, 2017 8:26 pm

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the sh*t out of all of you".
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this all happen?" The cowboy replied: "A couple of minutes ago."

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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby mrwatch » Thu Mar 23, 2017 9:26 pm

Management Lessons That Everyone Should Know.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’ ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies. ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby orvet » Fri Mar 24, 2017 1:13 am

Just sayin.jpg
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Unk » Fri Mar 24, 2017 2:34 am

Actually, Jerry, I am getting to the age where I do end a good portion of my sentences with "Dumb Ass!" :lol: :lol:
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby mrwatch » Thu Mar 30, 2017 5:20 pm

Re: Everyday Humor
Charlie, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.”

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin.

“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?”

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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby treefarmer » Thu Mar 30, 2017 8:41 pm

::tu:: That one is always funny!
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby bestgear » Thu Apr 06, 2017 5:02 pm

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but … something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. 'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting granite countertops.'
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby tjmurphy » Thu Apr 06, 2017 5:48 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: That's a great one! Probably my wife would prefer a kitchen make-over too. ::uc:: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Mumbleypeg » Tue Apr 25, 2017 1:43 am

A guy was looking at his old wooden back porch one day, and thought it would look better with a new coat of paint. He decided next weekend he would paint the porch. Saturday morning he went to the hardware store and bought the paint and a couple of brushes. When he returned home he made a sandwich, sat down to eat it, turned on the television and tuned in the football game. By the time he finished lunch he was engrossed in the game, so decided he'd wait until next week to paint his porch.

About that time the doorbell rang. He went to the door to find a neighborhood kid he knew. The kid told him he was trying to earn some spending money, did the man have any jobs he could do to earn some money? The man was a little aggravated at having his game interrupted but thinking quickly he said, "How'd you like to paint my porch? I'll pay you $50." The kid said "Sure, I've painted a lot for my folks." So the man gave him the bucket of paint and a brush, and said, "The porch is around back, go ahead and get started."

The man sat back down to watch the game. About an hour later the doorbell rang again. The man went to the door and there stood the kid. The man said "you finished painting the porch already?"

To which the kid replied "Yessir! It's all painted. But it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

Ken
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Paladin » Tue Apr 25, 2017 2:19 am

Mumbleypeg wrote:A guy was looking at his old wooden back porch one day, and thought it would look better with a new coat of paint. He decided next weekend he would paint the porch. Saturday morning he went to the hardware store and bought the paint and a couple of brushes. When he returned home he made a sandwich, sat down to eat it, turned on the television and tuned in the football game. By the time he finished lunch he was engrossed in the game, so decided he'd wait until next week to paint his porch.

About that time the doorbell rang. He went to the door to find a neighborhood kid he knew. The kid told him he was trying to earn some spending money, did the man have any jobs he could do to earn some money? The man was a little aggravated at having his game interrupted but thinking quickly he said, "How'd you like to paint my porch? I'll pay you $50." The kid said "Sure, I've painted a lot for my folks." So the man gave him the bucket of paint and a brush, and said, "The porch is around back, go ahead and get started."

The man sat back down to watch the game. About an hour later the doorbell rang again. The man went to the door and there stood the kid. The man said "you finished painting the porch already?"

To which the kid replied "Yessir! It's all painted. But it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

Ken

::rotflol:: ::rotflol:: ::rotflol::
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Unk » Tue Apr 25, 2017 3:01 am

A guy goes in for his yearly physical exam, and is about to receive the "flying finger". The guy asks the Dr, "Where should I lay my pants?". The Dr. replies "Over there by mine".

Then the Dr. says "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during a procedure like this." The guy replies "But I don't have an erection." The Dr replies "No, I was talking about me".

Yikes! ::facepalm:: ::facepalm::
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby Quick Steel » Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:27 am

Mumblypeg, That is one I'll be using/retelling. :lol:
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Postby mrwatch » Mon May 01, 2017 10:59 am

Re: Everyday Humor
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,
'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


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