Hear of a Good One Lately

[QTCut5]

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.


~Q~

[fergusontd]

ftd

[Quick Steel]

I placed this one in another thread but I feel it should be officially posted here.

Why did God create liquor? So that the Irish would not rule the world.

[mrwatch]

Tender Hearted Deer Hunter

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand along Highway 11-17 near Thunder Bay, Ontario early one cold December morning.

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs The buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 11-17.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.

"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years!"

[Paladin]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

[OLDE CUTLER]

Guys check out this pair of Big hooters.

[mrwatch]

couldn't resist.

[Paladin]

Subject: BAD PARROT

ParrotMargarita


BAD PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed..

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute..

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer... The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[fergusontd]

Guys check out this pair of Big hooters.
Then try these Hooters!

IMG_1802.JPG

[Shearer]

Here a couple of different hooter that will scare the shxx out of you if you are not concentrating while driving.

[mrwatch]

The Dot
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively
thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Washington
has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry
into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donuts shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the
United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide
us with Internet technical advice.

Subject: Fishing......

One Saturday morning a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and head down to his favorite fishing area. Coming out of his garage, he is pounded by a torrential downpour of rain. It's freezing, there is snow mixed in with the rain, and a hard wind is blowing with 50 mph. gusts.

He retreats back into the garage and, in disgust, returns to the house and turns the TV on to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different kind of anticipation, and whispers: "The weather out there is terrible!"

To which she sleepily replies: "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s...?!"

[Paladin]

The Dot
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively
thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Washington
has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry
into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he
has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donuts shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the
United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide
us with Internet technical advice.

Subject: Fishing......

One Saturday morning a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and head down to his favorite fishing area. Coming out of his garage, he is pounded by a torrential downpour of rain. It's freezing, there is snow mixed in with the rain, and a hard wind is blowing with 50 mph. gusts.

He retreats back into the garage and, in disgust, returns to the house and turns the TV on to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different kind of anticipation, and whispers: "The weather out there is terrible!"

To which she sleepily replies: "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that s...?!"

Both good ones!!

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
R.C.M.P. Sobriety Test?

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans
Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.

When the Mountie asked the driver why he
was speeding, the driver answered that he
was a magician and a juggler and he was
on his way to Brandon to do a show that
night at the Shrine Circus and didn't
want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was just
fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him then he
wouldn't give him a speeding ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent
all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that
he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol
car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie
got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car
pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk, good old boy, got out and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, pulled opened
the rear door and then got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over
to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the
drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk then replied to the Mountie ..

You might as well take me to jail .. "Cause there's
no effin` way I can pass that test"

[Quick Steel]

LOL

[Mumbleypeg]

I couldn't pass it sober!

Ken

[fergusontd]

Looks like that guy has a flare for juggling!

[jerryd6818]

Oooh Cisco. Oooh Poncho. Oooh Ferg. That was a smiler.

[royal0014]

. . . and all these years I thought they were scratch 'n' sniff .. .. ..

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
Boudreaux was pulled over by a female trooper, suspected of DUI. She did a field sobriety test, told him he failed and she was placing him under arrest. She told him "anything you say can and will be held against you", Boudreaux looked her over and said "tits".

Re: Everyday Humor
I just took an ad pamphlet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
Jumping on the bed

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you
have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I
don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[Mumbleypeg]

No comment. Just a picture.

Ken

[fergusontd]

A young woman had gotten a gumball stuck in her throat, so she went to the doctor to get it removed. The doctor told her to take her cloths off. Why do you want me to take my cloths off to get a gumball out of my throat? He told her there would be a nurse present. She said well ok if she's here but I'm still wondering. O.k. young lady get naked and stand on your head in the corner. So she did, the the doctor reached in his pocket, pulled out a nickel put it in the slot and out come the gumball! ftd

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
Filched from another site:

Father O'Malley dies and is waiting in line to be greeted by St. Peter. He's right behind Murphy, the cab driver.
St. Peter says to Murphy, "We have a wonderful mansion for you with gardens and a fountain right here on the main street. Come right in."
Then St. Peter says to Father O'Malley, "Ah Father we have a cozy two room cottage for you, you just have to enter at the side gate."
Father O'Malley is stunned and asks how Murphy can get a mansion and he a mere cottage.
St. Peter says, "Father it's like this, when you preached a sermon, people slept. When Murphy drove his cab, people prayed!

[OLDE CUTLER]

A sign hanging in a shop that repairs power tools:

No, I am not a gynecologist, but bring it in and we will take a look at it!

[espn77]

A friend of mine called me today and said
"I'm making some changes in my life, if I don't call you back you might be one of them"