Hear of a Good One Lately

[fergusontd]

Looks like that guy has a flare for juggling!

[jerryd6818]

Oooh Cisco. Oooh Poncho. Oooh Ferg. That was a smiler.

[royal0014]

. . . and all these years I thought they were scratch 'n' sniff .. .. ..

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
Boudreaux was pulled over by a female trooper, suspected of DUI. She did a field sobriety test, told him he failed and she was placing him under arrest. She told him "anything you say can and will be held against you", Boudreaux looked her over and said "tits".

Re: Everyday Humor
I just took an ad pamphlet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
Jumping on the bed

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her
bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you
have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter
with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I
don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and
the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[Mumbleypeg]

No comment. Just a picture.

Ken

[fergusontd]

A young woman had gotten a gumball stuck in her throat, so she went to the doctor to get it removed. The doctor told her to take her cloths off. Why do you want me to take my cloths off to get a gumball out of my throat? He told her there would be a nurse present. She said well ok if she's here but I'm still wondering. O.k. young lady get naked and stand on your head in the corner. So she did, the the doctor reached in his pocket, pulled out a nickel put it in the slot and out come the gumball! ftd

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor
Filched from another site:

Father O'Malley dies and is waiting in line to be greeted by St. Peter. He's right behind Murphy, the cab driver.
St. Peter says to Murphy, "We have a wonderful mansion for you with gardens and a fountain right here on the main street. Come right in."
Then St. Peter says to Father O'Malley, "Ah Father we have a cozy two room cottage for you, you just have to enter at the side gate."
Father O'Malley is stunned and asks how Murphy can get a mansion and he a mere cottage.
St. Peter says, "Father it's like this, when you preached a sermon, people slept. When Murphy drove his cab, people prayed!

[OLDE CUTLER]

A sign hanging in a shop that repairs power tools:

No, I am not a gynecologist, but bring it in and we will take a look at it!

[espn77]

A friend of mine called me today and said
"I'm making some changes in my life, if I don't call you back you might be one of them"

[OLDE CUTLER]

This is not a joke so much as a funny true story. I was recently talking to a guy that farms in eastern South Dakota and he was telling me that he had been to a recent farm auction that produced what he called "one of the funniest things I have ever seen". I myself have been to several of these events during the winter months, and rule #1 is you dress warmly. You stand outside on frozen ground for several hours, so proper attire is long johns, blue jeans, flannel shirt, hooded sweatshirt, insulated coveralls or bibs, insulated hat, insulated hunting boots or pack boots with 2 pairs of socks, and lastly a Carhartt or similar jacket. Now keep this in mind that you are wearing all this clothing and that you have to run for your life.

So the auctioneer and his assistants are working down the line of farm machinery, and as they come to a unit that is motorized, the auctioneer will motion to one of his crew to start the engine just so prospective buyers can tell that the unit is in good shape and ready to use. They had already sold the tractors and as they came to the farmers combine, one of the most expensive pieces that any farmer owns, a big crowd had gathered around the machine, some to bid, most to spectate and see what it would sell for. The auctioneer made a motion to his assistant to start the combine up and when the key was turned, it fired right up even tho it was quite a cold day. But within seconds of the engine firing, absolute pandemonium had broken out with people wildly scrambling to flee the area immediately around the combine. Some people standing closest to the combine turned and tried to run away, only to crash into those behind them who would all go down like bowling pins. Several people trying to run with heavy clothing and boots on made a few steps and did a face plant into the ground. The fellow told me he didn't immediately know what had happened, he thought maybe an area of the combine had caught fire when they started it and everyone was running from that. But soon it became apparent what the actual cause was. There had been a skunk sleeping inside the combine in some residual straw that happened to be there, and when the engine was started, the noise and vibration had waken him and he beat a hasty exit from the interior of the combine only to encounter the large crowd of people standing there. It seems everyone went into panic mode, including the skunk who was only interested in making his safe getaway. Fortunately there was no one injured including the skunk, who made his escape into a nearby grove of trees. The biggest loss may have been some one spilling a cup of just purchased coffee or dropping one of the excellent chili dogs always available at farm auctions. I just ask that you picture in your mind this event as it is happening.

[doglegg]

Olde Cutler, I love the story.

[peanut740]

I`ve been to many farm auctions,and can believe that happened.

[Mumbleypeg]

Good story. Around here folks probably wouldn't need to be dressed as warmly, but the reaction would have been the same.

Ken

[jerryd6818]

An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

[edge213]

Very funny Jerry

[FRJ]

I liked that one too.

[Paladin]

Ray

[treefarmer]

Treefarmer

[btrwtr]

Good one Jerry!

[Duffer]

How to catch a Polar Bear!

Cut a hole in the ice. Sprinkle some peas around the opening. When he comes up to take a pea
you kick him in the ice hole!!

Or maybe this is how to piss off a Polar Bear

[Eustace]

Interrogation of a suspect in the police.
"Do you know this knife?"
- Yes, I know.
"Oh, you will admit yourself!" And where did you see it?
"Well, for the third day you show it to me.
.......................................................

Nothing raises damn Monday's mood in the office, as two or three Viagra tablets into the jug with the common coffee.

......................................................

Associates of the United States Department of Defense announced to Associated Press,
that in the last few days, two Russian nuclear submarines patrol the eastern coast of the United States.
The Russian Ministry of Defense refuted this data :
1.Submarines are not two but eight
2.They do not patrol, they're searching for a sunken tanker full of vodka.

.....................................................

Chief of Psychiatry to the chief nurse:
- Petrova, for a hundredth time, I'm telling you. Do not answer the phone calls with: "I don't hear you, here is some madness ..."

[jerryd6818]

[treefarmer]

Jerry, I must live a sheltered life. I don't remember seeing that guy before. Plain old fashioned comedy!
Treefarmer

[jerryd6818]

The show was out of Canada and if you don't have cable TV, it's unlikely you ever had an opportunity to see it. The show followed the adventures and mis-adventures of the members of Possum Lodge. It was aired here in the states on PBS from 1991 until the series finale 7 April 2006.

A quote from the show, "If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."