Hear of a Good One Lately

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Eustace
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Eustace »

From "A russian's diary"
Kudos to my daughter for translating this one! :D


Today i got up like normal, poured myself some vodka for breakfast because it's thuesday and turned on the tv to watch Putin. Instead of him, though, they were broadcasting Pugachova. "Not bad as well..." i thought, finished my vodka, winked at the portrait of Stalin, got dressed and went off to the factory.
In the elevator i met my neighbour Kuzmich "Crimea is ours!" i greeted him. "Ours indeed!" he answered and got a flat bottle of vodka from his felt boot. We poured.
On the street it was normal - minus 50 degrees C and the Lada fired up comparatively easily just on the 22nd try. I drove it carefully inbetween all the holes and bears. These sad animals were really annoying - when they see a car, they run to get themselves a meal or warm up in the backseat. The mayor is always promising to do something with all those homeless bears, but nothing is happening and they are still walking around near the dumpster bins and sleep in the entrances and on the warm shacks.
I drove by the biggest hole, on which's bottom was lying my old car. Well, maybe also two hundred more. The local authorities are waiting for another five or six to fall in, so it would be full and they could put asphalt over it.
A little further a police patrol was waiting for me. As a force of habit, i reached for my AK47, but i saw in the hands of one of them a light machine gun with a very long ammo belt it seemed, so I gave up.
The cops wanted of me 10 dollars and two audio tapes of Okujava, but they gave me some vodka and pickles and their service bear danced some kazachok and showed a couple of magic tricks with cards. We went our separate ways like brothers.
In work the foreman had bought 10 bottles of vodka and kilo salted herring . We drank everything, while singing songs about the war, about the victory and a little about Murka. After that I had fallen asleep in the bucket of the bargain. At dusk i woke up and went on my way to home. On the street it was minus 80 degrees C and even the bears were with hats. I thought it was time for me to get the winter tires.
In the evening they finally broadcasted Putin on TV and i opened a vodka bottle in celebration of that. I got a little cold, so i went down to the basement to turn up a little the nuclear reactor. I got it from the factory a while ago, so i don't pay for heating anymore. Yes, in every few years i have to change the uranium, but it works otherwise and the neighbours from the first few floors have two-headed and six-handed kids that really help them.
I played a little on the garmoshka, cried from happiness and then went to bed. A little before i fell asleep i reminded myself that i haven't gone to Lenin's mausoleum with his favorite carnations now for a whole month...
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TwoFlowersLuggage
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by TwoFlowersLuggage »

Nice Eustace! I like the part about it being so cold even the bears had hats!
"The Luggage had a straightforward way of dealing with things between it and its intended destination: it ignored them." -Terry Pratchett
Mossdancer
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Mossdancer »

Received this a couple of days ago. Look think and Laugh
moss
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mrwatch
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by mrwatch »

Funny, here call them "Chuck holes," we sometimes get stuff and wheel even a tie rod end. Kind of like the one we seen SUNDAY WITH the left front axle and wheel sticking way out.
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Eustace
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Eustace »

Since the word "psychiatrist" is a little scary, the EU considers it to be replaced by a "manager connections with the reality."
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Eustace
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Eustace »

Instruction for mastering uncontrolled outbursts of anger:
1. Close your eyes.
2. Inhale and exhale.
3. Open one eye.
4. Aim and push the trigger!
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OLDE CUTLER
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by OLDE CUTLER »

A woman walks into a bar. She wants to order a beer, so she walks up to the bartender, who is a good looking young lady and says to her "Anheuser-Busch". The young bartender looks at her and answers "Good, how's yours"?
"Sometimes even the blind chicken finds corn"
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by mrwatch »

Default Only a Cowboy can make you feel like a woman!
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
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Eustace
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Eustace »

The Businessman:
-The chips is the art of selling 50 grams of potatoes at the price per kilogram.
Homeopathic doctor:
-Amateur!
mrwatch
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by mrwatch »

by, I like oldstuff

A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 800km/hour at
33000 feet when a cocky F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state of the art radio that
is part of his state of the art 3D & million dollar headset, the F-16
youngster told the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep,
unimaginable, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he
broke the sound barrier, as the F-16 screamed down at impossible G’s
before leveling at almost sea level.

The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?

The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 800km/hour,
and then the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of
that?”

Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs,
walked to the back, used the toilet, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon roll and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star
hotel paid for by the company"


LESSON OF LIFE: When you are young and foolish, speed and flash may
seem like a good thing! When you get older and smarter, comfort and
dullness is not such a bad thing!
mrwatch
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by mrwatch »

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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jerryd6818
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by jerryd6818 »

Riddle:

Four men got in a small boat and rowed out to the middle of a lake. The boat capsized but not a single man got wet. How is this possible?
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.

This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.

"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012
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bighomer
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by bighomer »

Scottie beamed them up ::woot:: or they was all married. ::shrug::
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Mossdancer »

Off hand three answers either all four did or it was a dry lake or they were all married.
moss
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jerryd6818
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by jerryd6818 »

bighomer wrote: they was all married. ::shrug::
Mossdancer wrote:they were all married.
moss
Winner, winner
Chicken dinner.

Little gal pushing me around the airport told that one to me.
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.

This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.

"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012
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QTCut5
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by QTCut5 »

One good riddle deserves another...

How is a room full of married people the same as a totally empty room with nobody in it?

(.ti ni nosrep elgnis a ton s'erehT)

~Q~
We are all just prisoners here of our own device.
In the master's chamber they gather for the feast.
They stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast.
(Eagles: Hotel California)


~Q~
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bestgear
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by bestgear »

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Tom
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Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
doglegg
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by doglegg »

That is funny Tom. :lol: :lol:
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Eustace
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Eustace »

Good morning! Do you have constipation?
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Mossdancer »

This is good, probably true has some humor and is believable.
moss



Secretary Sarah Sanders is one of the brightest people in the current administration. She has a very quick wit about her.
During a recent press conference, a reporter with MSNBC hollered from the press corps, “Where is President Trump hiding his tax returns?”
Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, astutely responded, “We’ve found a very secure place and I’m certain they won’t be found.”
“And just where is that?” asked the reporter sarcastically.
Mrs. Sanders grinned sardonically and said, “They are underneath Obama’s college records, his passport application, his immigration status as a student, his funding sources to pay for college, his college records, and his Selective Service registration.”
“Next question?”
- Sarah Sanders is a smart, tough gal!!
You go lady!
I STAND FOR OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM
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TwoFlowersLuggage
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by TwoFlowersLuggage »

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?
.
.
.
.
America.
"The Luggage had a straightforward way of dealing with things between it and its intended destination: it ignored them." -Terry Pratchett
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jlw257
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by jlw257 »

Here’s one
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by mrwatch »

Default Re: Everyday Humor
warning: pun ahead :mrgreen:

Henry Ford gets a phone call from an excited trio of Jewish brothers who invite him to come and see their new invention. "It will change cars forever" they state. He meets them at a warehouse on a very hot afternoon in July, and they take him inside where a lone Model A sedan is sitting. One of the brothers invites Henry to join him inside the car, and only after a few minutes, the car becomes hot and uncomfortable.

"Damn it man, show me your invention!" bellows Henry

The brother starts the car and presses a button on the dashboard. Instantly, cool, dry air fills the interior, and a big smile comes over Henry's face. He realizes this is a great invention, so the talks begin. The brother starts off:

"We want $500,000 for the patent for 'air conditioning'."
"No way" says Henry.
"Okay, how about $400,000 then?"
"Nope. Too expensive."
"Well, my final offer is $300,000, BUT, you have to include me and my brother's names on every car!"

Henry thinks for a moment, then agrees to the deal.

So, to this very day, just look on the dash of any Ford vehicle, and you'll see the names "HI," "MAX," and "NORM."
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Eustace
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Eustace »

- Where are you born?
- Write Kazakhstan.
- More precisely?
- Everyone writes Kazakhstan.
- Do you really teach me? Tell me!
- The Karmakulskiy Area, Kizilburddin District, Yandingulkurgan Village.
- So we write - Kazakhstan.
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Re: Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by doglegg »

Eustace wrote:- Where are you born?
- Write Kazakhstan.
- More precisely?
- Everyone writes Kazakhstan.
- Do you really teach me? Tell me!
- The Karmakulskiy Area, Kizilburddin District, Yandingulkurgan Village.
- So we write - Kazakhstan.
I always enjoy your jokes Eustace. ::nod:: ::nod::
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