Eustace wrote:,,,,,,,,,,, I hope now that I do not get an example in the topic "men becoming women" because I'm cooking.
It's done. Bon appétit!
Eustace, Not a chance of that happening. We have a thread devoted to recipes. Check for it under General Off Topic. Here is a link. viewtopic.php?f=21&t=43082
Ray
Paladin
God Bless the USA
Please visit my store SWEETWATER KNIVES
"Buy more ammo" - Johnnie Fain
"I'm glad I ain't scared to be lazy." Augustus McCrae
Ole was a farm boy all his life, only traveling to the small town in his part of the world. But one day the opportunity came up for Ole to travel to the BIG city. When he got there he marveled at the traffic, the noise, and the PEOPLE! He was walking down one of the major avenues when he saw a woman standing along the street and as he walked by she looked at him and said, "Hey big guy, come over here". Ole went over and looked at the way she was dressed (or not dressed) and she came up to him and whispered in his ear "I will do ANYTHING YOU WANT me to do for $100". Ole took a step back and looked at her and said "I am going to take you up on that!" The woman cozzied up to Ole and said to him "what is it you would like me to do?" Ole looked at her and answered "paint my house".
From the police protocols:
"During the interrogation of the suspect were shown irrefutable evidence, as a result of which emotion he bled from the nose, dropped his four teeth and broke two ribs ..."
"Yesterday, two unknowns invaded the Ivanovi family home.Having locked Mrs. Ivanova in the bathroom, forced Ivanov to drink two bottles of vodka with them."
The suspect got into the elevator and escaped in an unknown direction.
The suspect did not respond to the questions asked for a long time, then suddenly began to hit with head the investigator's shoes.
In everyone, even the worst, can find something good. So everyone should be carefully scrutinized.
(from instructions to duty policemen)
Eustace wrote:From the police protocols:
"During the interrogation of the suspect were shown irrefutable evidence, as a result of which emotion he bled from the nose, dropped his four teeth and broke two ribs ..."
"Yesterday, two unknowns invaded the Ivanovi family home.Having locked Mrs. Ivanova in the bathroom, forced Ivanov to drink two bottles of vodka with them."
The suspect got into the elevator and escaped in an unknown direction.
The suspect did not respond to the questions asked for a long time, then suddenly began to hit with head the investigator's shoes.
In everyone, even the worst, can find something good. So everyone should be carefully scrutinized.
(from instructions to duty policemen)
I don't understand, but I enjoyed it none-the-less!
I don't write this stuff.
Re: Everyday Humor
Bran Muffins
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea,' he asked.
'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f---in' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Eustace wrote:From the police protocols:
"During the interrogation of the suspect were shown irrefutable evidence, as a result of which emotion he bled from the nose, dropped his four teeth and broke two ribs ..."
"Yesterday, two unknowns invaded the Ivanovi family home.Having locked Mrs. Ivanova in the bathroom, forced Ivanov to drink two bottles of vodka with them."
The suspect got into the elevator and escaped in an unknown direction.
The suspect did not respond to the questions asked for a long time, then suddenly began to hit with head the investigator's shoes.
In everyone, even the worst, can find something good. So everyone should be carefully scrutinized.
(from instructions to duty policemen)
I don't understand, but I enjoyed it none-the-less!
The investigator beat the PERP> on the head with his shoes. Mr. Ivanov willingly drank the vodka with them. They punched his nose and broke his teeth and ribs. But the bad guy did it too himself if anybody asks.
The suspect got into the elevator and escaped in an unknown direction. We aren't telling anybody what happened to him. Or how too properly be a policeman.
Re: Everyday Humor
A frantic woman had dialed 911
”Police, Fire, or Ambulance?” asked the operator.
“I want a vet” demanded the panic stricken woman.
“A vet?” said the operator in surprise, “What for?”
“To open my bulldogs jaws”
“But why did you call 911?”
“There’s a burglar in them.”
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Re: Everyday Humor
A preschool teaching was delivering a bus full of children home one day when a fire truck zoomed past with a large dog in the front seat. The children started discussing what the dog was for.
“They use him to keep people back from the fire”, said one youngster.
“No”, said another, “He’s just for good luck!”
A third child brought the argument to a close with: “They use the dog to find the fire hydrant.”
President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht.
The Pope accepted and during lunch a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's
hat off, right into the water.
It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just
floated in place.
The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go
get it, when Trump waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get
it."
Then Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to
the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the
yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.
The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope's entourage
were speechless.
No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
But that afternoon, ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN, MSNBC reported:
"TRUMP CAN'T SWIM”
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.
This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.
"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012
OK as a newbie I'm too lazy to go through 98 pages to see if you'd heard this one:
So a young brave goes to the chief and asked how they are named. The chief replies, " Squaw come to me and say she gave birth to new brave. I open teepee and look out and I see the bison running and call him Running Buffalo or see a bird diving and call him Flying Hawk.
Why do you ask Two Dogs F#(king?
I like it.
In the beginning the squaw did all the work. The braves hunted and fished all day. Their was no pollution or taxes. Then white man came along and thought they could improve on all of that!
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
Default Re: Everyday Humor
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The worker yelled back,
"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering along the ridge stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”
She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard! ”
He shrugged and turned away saying,
"Okay, ... I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”
... She didn’t jump.
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.
This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.
"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012
A police officer was out in the patrol car driving his regular beat on St. Patrick's day when he happened to drive by the cemetery. He stopped, because out in the cemetery he saw something out of the ordinary. He watched for a few minutes and what he saw was a man standing over a grave tipping up a bottle in brown sack until he finished it off. The man then proceeded to unzip his pants and then urinate on the grave he was standing over. The police officer went up to him and upon approaching he could see that the man was very drunk. He asked the man what he was doing, drinking in the cemetery and urinating on the grave as he could be arrested for public drunkenness, and defiling a grave. The Irishman replied " Oh, this is where we laid to rest my best friend Paddy. Before he died, he made me promise that every year on St. Patrick's day I would come visit him at his grave and pour a bottle of the finest Irish Whiskey over him in his grave". The officer said to him "But I saw you and that is not what you were doing". The Irishman replied, "I know. The quality and high cost of the best bottle of Irish whiskey urged me to pass it through me kidneys first!"
- Vladimir, I'm outraged! Your spies tried to destroy Skrypal ...
- I do not understand, - Putin specifies - Did they try or destroy?
- They tried.
- No, these are not my spies!
