mrwatch wrote:I don't write this stuff.
Default Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
Suddenly, a cow runs out onto the road, and a limo driving late at
night, hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the
back seat, in her usual abrasive manner, says to the Chauffeur, "You
get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is
dead, but it appeared to be very old. Well, says the woman, "You were
driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over
there."
Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full
belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks the nasty woman.
The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king,
and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.
Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."
Don't you just love a story with a happy ending?
FIrst laugh of my saturday morning
pffffft that's not a knife ......... now THAT'S a knife !! Crocodile Dundee
The Immigration "debate" has created a flurry of activity in local and national media and we hear many stories that break your heart.
Latinos in Southern California say they are worried by the crackdown on immigration and the potential impact on their families. In an attempt to seek some relief from this terrible situation, one local Latino man posted this note on the White House website:
"I'm terrified that President Trump is going to deport my Latino mother-in-law who is here illegally and lives at 1801 3rd Street, Los Angeles, CA
90023. It's the blue house on the corner, she gets home from work about 6:00 pm."
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.
This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.
"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012
Default Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
Guess her age
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends
$15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before
leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?”.
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter
girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big
smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop
on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant
the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I
was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It
sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
A plane is on its way to Washington, DC, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, the newly elected democrat congress person, who is seated in Economy Class, gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the congresswoman that she paid for Economy Class and that she will have to sit in the back.
Cortez replies, "I’m a Democrat, I’m beautiful, I’m socialist, I’m going to DC and I’m staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a Democrat bimbo sitting in First Class, she belongs in Economy and she won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to Ocasio-Cortez and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to Economy.
Ocasio-Cortez replies, "I’m a Democrat, I’m beautiful, I’m socialist, I’m going to DC and I’m staying right here."
The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the congresswoman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a Democrat Socialist? I'll handle this, I’m married to a liberal. I speak socialist."
He goes back to Cortez, and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I’m sorry." She then gets up and goes back to her seat in Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss."I told her, 'First Class isn't going to DC.'
NEWS - HARLEY DAVIDSON SPEAKS TO " DECLINING BIKE SALES "
The reasons for the slump in sales at HD are not President Trump's fault.
Apparently the Baby-Boomers all have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.
A recent study was done to find out why Millennials don't ride motorcycles :
1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.
2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.
3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.
4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.
5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.
6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.
7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.
8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.
9. They are allergic to fresh air.
10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.
11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.
12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.
13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.
14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.
15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.
16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.
17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.
18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.
19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.
20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.
21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.
22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
My cousin took my 80 year old aunt to find out about a hearing aid. Told the device would cost $900, she thought about it for a moment, then said she didn’t want one.
Explaining her decision, Aunt Jean said, “In all my years, I’ve never heard a conversation that was worth $900.”
************************************************** *
When Dianne found out she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the news. A friend asked her 4y.o. son if he was excited about the baby.
“Yes,” Sam said, “and I know what we’re going to name it too. If it’s a girl, we’re calling her Molly. And if it’s another boy, we’re going to call it Quits.”
************************************************** *
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
“Yep”, the husband replied, “in laws”.
************************************************** *
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
“Now, young man,” asked the dentist, “What kind of filling would you like for that tooth?”
“Chocolate please,” replied the youngster.
************************************************** *
A new study by sleep researchers revealed that one out of every five people snores.
In a separate study, scientists found that four in five people suffer from insomnia.
************************************************** *
DUE TO RISING COSTS AND STUPID QUESTIONS
Answers are now $1.00
Answers without thought $2.00
Correct Answers $4.00
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Dew:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Dew, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked “where is the fitting room?”
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
Forged on the anvil of discipline.
The Few. The Proud.
Jerry D.
This country has become more about sub-groups than about it's unity as a nation.
"The #72 pattern has got to be pretty close to the perfect knife."
--T.J. Murphy 2012
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”“No problem,” replies the doctor.So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Please Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
For nature lovers:
When you go to the woods, stitch a bell for your garment. His ring scares the bears. And you better not walk in the bear trails. That this is a bear trail you can guess in the bear stools. And that they are bear stools, you can understand the bells that come out of them!
A tire burst, the driver gets out of the car, pulls a jack from the trunk and starts to take off the wheel.
A curious passerby stops to the car.
- What's happening?
- How what? I take the wheel.
The passerby takes the jack lever and bash the windscreen.
- I'll take the radio!
I don't see a problem with that! ftd
