Hear of a Good One Lately

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Hukk
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Hear of a Good One Lately

Post by Hukk »

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, and his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston Texas, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to Glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 24 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here

:lol: :lol: :lol: My daughter sent this, cracked me up! :lol: :lol:
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Gunsmoke47
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Post by Gunsmoke47 »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :shock: :shock: :shock:
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Post by sunburst »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks for the great laugh.. ::tu:: :mrgreen:
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Hears a couple

Post by Mossdancer »

A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.



It's perfect."


"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"


"Twelve thirty."



* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at The Trailer Estates Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.



A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'" Morris replied.

To which, the doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"

wb
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Post by justold52 »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good ones all KEEP them comming. :lol: :lol:
A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'
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a new one

Post by Mossdancer »

Here you go Ken;

> RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
> (This was actually reported by a teacher)
>
> After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
> holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
>
> We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They
> used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved
> to Florida . Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green
> to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name
> tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
>
> They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got
> it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they
> don't do them very well.
>
> There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down
> withhats on.
>
> At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in
> it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes theysneak out.
> They go cruising in their golf carts!
>
> Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing
> every night --- early birds.
>
> Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The
> ones, who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot
> luck.
>
> My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
> and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I
> earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.
>
> Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
>
> PRICELESS
>
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golf joke

Post by jonet143 »

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
> > > Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
> > > Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
> > > "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.
> > > "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.
> > > "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
> > > "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize."
> > > And the golfer walks off.
> > > "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would Want...
> A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
> > > A year goes by and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the leprechaun is there waiting for him.
> > > "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
> > > "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
> > > "Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
> > > "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just Reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"
> > > "I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
> > > The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
> > > "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun , "I'm wanting to know if I did a good old job. How many times a week?"
> > > Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
> > > "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
> > > "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
johnnie f 1949

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another

Post by jonet143 »

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to

>Melbourne, Australia.

>

>After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

>

>The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed

>before him.

>

>The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

>

>He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores

>than let liquor touch my lips."

>

>The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

>

>"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
johnnie f 1949

on the cutting edge is sometimes not the place to be.
please support our troops - past and present
if not a member...join the NKCA! they're on our side.
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a new one

Post by Mossdancer »

Very good;
This is from memory so it will take some thought.

On a Jumbo Jet the pilots voice over the intercom says, we are incurring very rough weather so buckle up real tight and maybe say a prayer.

After a few lighting strikes, wind shears, side drafts and the like a beautiful young lady starts screaming, unbuckles stands up and looks over the passengers and screams someone make me feel like a woman before we crash.

A couple of moments later a strapping lad of 6' 6" about 225 lbs stands and starts walking up the aisle. As he approaches the lady he rips off his shirt exposing a 24 year old athletes body and throws the shirt at her feet and says when your through washing that. Get me a beer!!!!
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Hukk
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Quantas Airline Maintenance

Post by Hukk »

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school
diploma to fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet, "which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked
with a P); and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on b! ack-orde r.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last .............

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
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Post by ilikeknives »

Why does a chicken COOP have 2 doors ::shrug:: ??
Because silly, if they had 4 doors they'd be a chicken SEDAN ::nod:: :shock: ::dang::
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LOWEST COST & F-A-S-T SHIP TOO!
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Come see what you like.

Please visit my AAPK Store (i-like-knives) for Renaissance Wax,Simichrome, Flitz Cloths,pro-clean & care products, kits too!
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New to me

Post by Mossdancer »

I have never read this before. It makes me extremely happy to know that there was someone in this world who would be so kind as to pen this.
wb

*This explains why I forward jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.*
*
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like
pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he
saw a man at a desk to one side

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right
up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the
traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a
dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never
been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book.


"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand
pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he
gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who
was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road
said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's
hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind."

Soooo.

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing
a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward
jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you
forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important,
you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent
just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and
your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime :)
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Post by justold52 »

:D :D ...Just loveing them all.... :lol: :lol:
A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: 'Buy one dog, get one flea.'
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Another one

Post by Mossdancer »

In staying with the flying post a few back;

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is seriously broken.


"Now this message is for America's most famous athletes:





Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have . John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam

Change your name.

Fake your own death!
Whatever you do .
Do Not Go!!!

I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"

Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

"Bananas," he said.

"For the potassium?" I asked.

"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot . But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.


We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.


And I egressed the pizza from the night before.


And the lunch before that.


I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."
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Hukk
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Re: Another one

Post by Hukk »

Mossdancer wrote: A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ::barf:: New ebay user name ::shrug::
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A Good one.

Post by Mossdancer »

>>>>>> This is good for a laugh.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> IS UNDERWEAR IMPORTANT?
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Listen up! If you don't laugh out loud at
this one, call the
>>> morgue
>>>>>> and reserve a tray, because you are dead.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>> Always wear clean underwear in public,
especially when working
>>>>>> under
>>>>>> your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida
Daily News comes this
>>>>>> story
>>>>>> of a Crestview couple who drove their car to
Wal Mart only to
>>>>>> have
>>>> their
>>>>>> car break down in the parking lot.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he
>>>>>>>> fixed
>>>> the
>>>>>>>> car in the lot. The wife returned later to
see a small group of
>>>> people
>>>>>>> near the car. On closer inspection, she saw
pair a of male legs
>>>>>> protruding
>>>>>>> from under the chassis. Although the man was
in shorts, his lack
>>> of
>>>>>>> underpants turned private parts into glaringly
public ones. Unable
>>>> to
>>>>>> stand the
>>>>>>>> embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her
>>>>>>>> hand
>>>> UP
>>>>>>>> his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> On regaining her feet, she looked across the
hood and found
>>> herself
>>>>>>>> staring at her husband who was standing idly
by. The mechanic,
>>>>>> however, had to have three stitches in his
forehead.
>>>>>>>
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THEY FOUND NEMO!

Post by Hukk »

Hey, they just found Nemo. ::sneaky::
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OOPS

Post by Hukk »

ONE OF THE BEST ''TALES'' OF THE YEAR


A man called his wife at home and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?


He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish.But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"



.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
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Post by CCBill »

OOPS !!! ::dang::
Only two things are infinite, the Universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Albert Einstein...
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Re: OOPS

Post by sunburst »

Hukk wrote: .
.The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
Oh,oh....Is there a doctor in the house, this man is feeling sick to his stomach I'm sure.. ::smirk::
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Post by MITCH RAPP »

8) WOW! BUSTED! :lol:
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Post by muskrat man »

talk about spilling the beans
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Post by jonet143 »

Retirement Planning

>

>If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would

>now be worth $49.00.

>

>With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

>

>With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

>

>If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have

>$49.00 left.

>

>But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank

>all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling

>REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

>

>Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink

>heavily and recycle.

>

>It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

>
johnnie f 1949

on the cutting edge is sometimes not the place to be.
please support our troops - past and present
if not a member...join the NKCA! they're on our side.
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Post by MITCH RAPP »

8) Johnnie; I have been enrolled in that plan now for many

years! :mrgreen:
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Post by marcinek »

Not a joke, but a true story from CNN today that may get you smiling...


LAKE LUZERNE, New York (AP) -- A young man shot himself without using a gun.

Damion M. Mosher, who put bullets in a vise and whacked them with a hammer to empty the brass shell casings, was hit in the abdomen by one of the shots, authorities said.

Warren County deputies said they were called to Mosher's home in Lake Luzerne on Saturday afternoon after one bullet went about a half-inch into his abdomen. He was treated at Glens Falls Hospital and was released. No charges were filed.

Mosher, 18, told authorities he was trying to empty the .223-caliber rounds to collect the brass casings for scrap.

Sheriff Larry Cleveland said about 100 other rounds that Mosher hit had "fizzled," but one was somehow sent with more force. It was unclear if the bullet ricocheted or hit him directly.

An employee of an Albany scrap metal company told The Post-Star of Glens Falls that the business pays $1.70 a pound for scrap brass shell casings.

Cleveland said Mosher's shells amounted to just a few pounds.

Lake Luzerne, at the southeastern edge of the Adirondacks, is 45 miles north of Albany.
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