Hear of a Good One Lately

[Paladin]

THE DONALDS FIRST DAY IN OFFICE
Should help you to start your day.

1. President Donald Trump and Vice President Marco Rubio:
are sworn into office.

2. In a rare event on inauguration day, Congress
convenes for an emergency meeting to repeal the
illegal and unconstitutional Socialist healthcare
farce known as Obamacare. The new Director of
Health and Social Services Dr. Ben Carson announces
that an independent group of healthcare management
professionals is hired to handle healthcare services for
poor and low income people. They are also assigned the
duty of eliminating Medicare and Medicaid fraud.
Government’s costs for public healthcare are reduced by 90%.
Healthcare insurance premiums for working Americans are
reduced by 50%. The move saves billions of taxpayer paid
dollars. Healthcare service in the U.S improves 100%.

3. Newly appointed Department of Homeland
Security Chief Ted Cruz announces the immediate
deployment of troops to the U.S. Mexico border
to control illegal immigration and the immediate
deportation of illegals with criminal records or
links to terrorist groups. New bio-encrypted Social
Security IDs are required by every American citizen.
Birthright is abolished. All immigration from countries
that represent a threat to the safety of American citizens
is terminated indefinitely. The move saves American
taxpayers billions of dollars. Several prisons are closed.

4. Newly appointed Secretary of Business and
Economic Development Carly Fiorina eliminates
more than half of the Government agencies
operating under the Obama administration
saving taxpayers billions of dollars. Stocks rise
100%.

5. Newly appointed Director of Government
Finance Rand Paul announces the abolition of
the IRS and displays a copy of the new Federal
Tax Return form. It consists of one page. The
instructions consist of two pages. The Federal
Reserve is audited. The move saves American
Taxpayers billions of dollars and increases tax
revenue.

6. Hillary Clinton is in prison, where she belongs.
Her cell is directly across from Jesse Jackson and
Al Sharpton who are serving time for "Hate
Crimes". She bitches at them constantly from
behind the bars of her cell in what some call cruel
and unusual punishment.

7. Bernie Sanders is in the nuthouse, where he
belongs. His room is directly across from Nancy
Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chris Matthews
and Al Franken. They meet for tea every day at
10 AM and discuss the success and benefits
of Communism and Socialism throughout the world.
They also wonder when the "Mothership" is going
to pick them up and return them to their home planets.

8. Windows 12 is released. It is designed for humans,
doesn’t try to satisfy the needs of every person on
the planet, doesn’t require a degree in nuclear
physics to operate and looks just like Windows 7
except it is easier to use.

9. Barack Obama flees the United States under
cover of darkness and returns to his homeland
of Kenya before his trial for treason begins. He
deplanes on a remote jungle airstrip. It was reported
that he was last seen wandering through the jungle
singing “Hakuna Matata” with a chimp named Commie.

10. Oscar Meyer announces the introduction of a
new cholesterol and fat free pepperoni that tastes
just like regular pepperoni.

11. Not to be outdone, Kraft Foods announces the
introduction of several varieties of cholesterol and
fat free cheeses that taste just like regular cheese.

12. A committee is not established to determine
what is causing global cooling. Billions of taxpayer
dollars are saved.

13. Dead people are no longer allowed to vote in
Chicago, a huge blow for the Democrat Party in the
State of Illinois.

And this my friends constitutes THE PERFECT DAY!

[edge213]

That would be a perfect day. Probably the opposite is going to happen.

[carrmillus]

......I hope not!!!!!........... .................

[mrwatch]

A Country Club golf pro was riding a Nun around in a caddy car pointing out the game. The Nun pointed to a devise on a post? That's where the men wash their balls. Nun-"what hardy men!"

My Dad's oldies.


A man driving a Cadillac pulled into a Hillbilly gas station. When he steed out a golf tee fell on the ground. The man never seeing one picked it up and looked at it and handed it back. Driver-that's where the men put their balls when the drive. "man them Cadillac's have every thing!

[carrmillus]

............good one!!!................. .....................

[jerryd6818]

Truisms

-If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

-Take my advice, I'm not using it.

-My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

-Money is the root of all wealth.

[FRJ]

Somehow, Jerry, I can see Alan King saying many of these things.

[carrmillus]

..all of those are great, jerry!!!!.............. ..........................

[Paladin]

Men Never Learn!

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman.
The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too!
Men will never learn!

[Mumbleypeg]

Some football wisdom:

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" - John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any." – Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." – Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ." He said,"Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." - Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have good players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players:"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.

Ken

[mrwatch]

Pirated from another site:
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[tjmurphy]

[tjmurphy]

HE SAID THAT GUNS MAKE HIM FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE

SHE SAID THAT THEY BOTH SHOULD SEE OTHER MEN

[orvet]

[edge213]

Amen General.

[dcgm4]

One day a man was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

Even with this condition attached the man readily agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money," he said. Instantly 50 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 100 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini and a Bugatti appeared. At the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

While the man drooled over his new sports cars the genie said, "You have one wish left. You should choose carefully." The man thought for a moment then replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

[btrwtr]

Funny song.

https://www.facebook.com/15619226874221 ... 727843297/

[jerryd6818]

Funny song.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg[/youtube]

[espn77]

My wife sent this to me today.

[treefarmer]

espn77,
Surely there's a reason for that. But then again what the poster said does seem to fit quite well!
Treefarmer

[Quick Steel]

Red Skelton routine.

Farmer: I want you to meet my daughters.

Red: Oh, you have daughters?

Farmer: Yes, I have two daughters: Hortence and Lassie.

Red: But Lassie is a dog's name.

Farmer: Wait until you see Hortence.

[QTCut5]

You are absolutely right, sweetheart, I do need to buy another knife!

~Q~

[fergusontd]

An elderly couple walks into a diner for lunch. As they set at the counter they watch the cook take a big ball of hamburger meat and put it under his arm and flaten it out and then put it on the grill. The old lady asks the counter man isn't that a little unsanitary? The counter man says oh no, you should see how he makes donuts!

[mrwatch]

At a senior center in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

[Quick Steel]

Very funny because it contains a lot of truth.