Hear of a Good One Lately

[bighomer]

Mossdancer that is hilarious, one of the best I've heard/ read in a long time.I loved it. I could just see that old judge. Thanks for sharing.

[fergusontd]

Future Democratic Senators! ftd

[mrwatch]

Life's lessons from birds

1. A turkey was chatting with a bull.
“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy”.
“Well why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They are packed with nutrients.”
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

The moral of the story:
Bull sh** might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there…

2. A little bird was flying south for the winter: It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out.
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon he began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

The moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh** is your friend
(3) And when you’re in deep sh**, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

[Lansky1]

Life's lessons from birds

1. A turkey was chatting with a bull.
“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy”.
“Well why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They are packed with nutrients.”
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

The moral of the story:
Bull sh** might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there…

2. A little bird was flying south for the winter: It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out.
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon he began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

The moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh**s on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh** is your friend
(3) And when you’re in deep sh**, it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

I LOL'd at my desk - great ones !!

[Lansky1]

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

AWESOME !! I love this thread ...

[Mossdancer]

I've seen many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon in an old tree is perhaps the most remarkable nature shot that I've ever seen. Send this to your older friends, since the younger ones probably have never seen a falcon, and wouldn't recognize it. A different look.
moss

http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg

[bighomer]

[treefarmer]

You got me on that one Moss!
Treeefarmer

[Eustace]

-Please enter your password.
-"roses"
- Insufficient number of characters in the password
- "pink roses"
-Password must contain at least one number
- "1 pink rose '
-Password must not contain blanks
- "1pinkrose '
-Password must contain at least 10 different characters
- "1f....npinkrose"
-Password must contain at least one capital letter
- "1F....NPINKROSE"
-Password must contain at least one lowercase letter
- "F....nPinkRose"
-Password must contain at least one number
- "1F....nPinkRoseInYourA.."
-This password is already busy

[Eustace]

Dentist:
- Open!
I open ...
- Open a little more.
I open a little more ...
"Just a little more.
I'm opening a little more ...
- Now, come in and sit in the chair!

[mrwatch]

Dentist.

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)
Crime Boss Advice
The aged crime boss lay dying. He called his grandson to his bedside.
Crime Boss: “Grandson, I want you to take my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me”
Grandson : “I don’t really like guns Grandfather.
Could you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
Crime Boss, shaking his head: “Grandson, some day you are going to run a business, have lots of money, a Ferrari, a big house and a beautiful wife.
If, one day, you come home to find your wife in bed with another man, what are you going to do?
Point at your watch and say “Time’s up”?

[mrwatch]

Re: Everyday Humor (Viewer Discretion Advised)

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you..''

[OLDE CUTLER]

I saw this on a sign in front of a business today.

"My exercise program consists of doing diddly squats"

[mrwatch]

good!

[Mossdancer]

An elderly couple were ranchers in Montana. The Husband passed away, after a couple of years of getting further behind!The Old lady decided to advertise for help. Two answers, one from a drunk the other from a gay individual. She thought and then interviewed both the men. Her decision after knowing she did not want a drunk around was to hire the gay fellow. The result was fantastic. He knew all she needed him to know about ranching and the other chores. So after several months she spoke to him saying why dont you go to town this Saturday night and kick up your heels. Her only request was he be in by midnight. He did it, went to town really enjoyed himself. Missed the 12 deadline 1 then 2 arrived at the door about 3A.M.. She met him at the door and led him into the parlor. She sat in her lounge and said take off my boots, he did. Then said take off my skirt, he did. Then it was take off my blouse, he did. She then in a stern voice said the next time you go to town, if you wear my clothes again.
I am going to fire you.
moss

[Mossdancer]

New Dog

717637_566571083500746_5624041921019176469_n



This is Lexi, he’s an 8 week-old German Shepherd.
Just imagine Long hair, waiting to lick your face, Extremely cute



I bought Lexi as a surprise for my husband but it turns out he is allergic to long haired dogs so we are now looking to find him a new home.



He is 77 years old, an attractive and caring man who drives, is a great cook, and keeps a clean house.

[Eustace]

It's so cold that today I saw the Prime Minister, put his hands in his own pockets.

[Paladin]

What temperatures do you have this time of year?

Ray

[doglegg]

Eustace, politicians must be the same every where.

"I reached for my wallet and shook hands with the mayor!"

[Unk]

[Eustace]

Old Bulgarian joke

811th year. After the Battle of the Varbitsa Pass, Knyaz Krum interrogated the captured Nikephoros I:
- Do you have brothers or sisters?
- No, why?
- Ah, nothing ... I was thinking to make drinking cup set ...



Krum feasts with his nobles as a servant (right) brings the skull of Nikephoros I, fashioned into a drinking cup, full of wine.

[Eustace]

What temperatures do you have this time of year?

Ray

Sorry Ray, I did not see your question.
This winter is not very cold and in my city there is still no snow. Something like -5 + 5 degrees Celsius.

[Paladin]

What temperatures do you have this time of year?

Ray

Sorry Ray, I did not see your question.
This winter is not very cold and in my city there is still no snow. Something like -5 + 5 degrees Celsius.

Thank you, sir.

Ray

[Eustace]

After long and unsuccessful attempts to draw the evacuation plan, the engineer Ivanov lit the building to see where people were fleeing.

...........................................................


The inhabitants of a village were sad and sullen.
-Can I help? What is the problem? asked a passing hero.
-Oh, high in the mountain lives a very strong and dangerous dragon. Every month he comes down and eats a virgin from the village ...
-I think I can help you - said the hero, and stayed to live in the village.
In a few months the dragon died of starvation ...

...........................................................


Chemist at Pharmacy:
- Do you have deoxyadenosylhydroxocobalamin?
- Yes, we have. This is vitamin B12.
- Yeah, ever forget his stupid name.

...............................................................


- Imagine Madam, two men are drowning. One is your husband and the other one is your lover. Who will you save?
- And why, the hell, they bathe together?