Hear of a Good One Lately

[jerryd6818]

[Quick Steel]

Hysterical. I've seen this fellow before. Made me lol throughout the video.

[Quick Steel]

1960 Hits Renamed... Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.

They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---
Denture Queen

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If
You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last, but NOT least:

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

[orvet]

I got this email from a friend today. I'm impressed with his scientific accuracy and logical conclusions.


My Lazy Glock

Today, I placed my Glock 23 ( 40 cal. ) pistol on the table right next
to my front door. I left its clip beside it, then left it alone and
went about my business.

While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor's son
across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the
street, and quite a few cars stopped at the "stop" sign near the front
of my house.

After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was quietly sitting
there, right where I had left it. It had not moved itself outside. It
had not killed anyone. Certainly, even with the numerous opportunities
it had presented to do that. In fact, it had not even loaded itself.

Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the hype by the Left and
the media, about how dangerous guns are and “How They” kill people.

The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world.

But if you take out just 5 'left-wing' cities: Chicago, Detroit,
Washington DC, St Louis and New Orleans -- the United States is 4th
from the bottom, in the ENTIRE world, for murders.

These 5 cities are controlled by Democrats. They also have the
toughest gun control laws in the USA.

It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data, right?

Well, I'm off to check on my spoons. I hear they're making people fat!

[steve99f]

That's a keeper Dale. I'm going to "borrow" that if you don't mind.

[orvet]

That's a keeper Dale. I'm going to "borrow" that if you don't mind.

Go right ahead, I borrowed it too!

[KnifeSlinger#81]

Haha good one Dale. I think all my guns are broken, they have to be activated manually

[fergusontd]

Dale you forgot Cleveland, that would drop it another notch.

[jerryd6818]

I got this email from a friend today. I'm impressed with his scientific accuracy and logical conclusions.

The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world.

I too have received this email and except for the first part about the ridicules tendency of the anti-gun crowd to blame an inanimate object for our crime rate, it's pure hog wash. I'm far from impressed with his scientific accuracy.

This is total murders per country. As you can see the US is much farther from the top than 4th.
Source: http://www.nationmaster.com/country-inf ... urder-rate

A much more accurate indicator is murders per 100,000 population (blue column). This is only a partial chart and you can see the US is waaay down the list. The chart is not in order of rank!
Source: Wikipedia -- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_c ... By_country

[treefarmer]

Those are some interesting web sites that Jerry has posted, especially when viewed from different angles. All to say with a little loose interpretation we could tend to support any false narrative. Information on most countries to compare, apples for apples.
One interesting note was the USA is ranked #1 on one of the comparative charts. It shows for each 100 residents there are 88.8 guns. Top of the list of 170 countries.
I was wondering how this showed up in the "Hear of a Good One Lately" thread, but it is "a good one" to know that so far we still have this freedom!
Treefarmer

[americanedgetech]

I got this email from a friend today. I'm impressed with his scientific accuracy and logical conclusions.


My Lazy Glock

Today, I placed my Glock 23 ( 40 cal. ) pistol on the table right next
to my front door. I left its clip beside it, then left it alone and
went about my business.

While I was gone, the mailman delivered my mail, the neighbor's son
across the street mowed the yard, a girl walked her dog down the
street, and quite a few cars stopped at the "stop" sign near the front
of my house.

After about an hour, I checked on the gun. It was quietly sitting
there, right where I had left it. It had not moved itself outside. It
had not killed anyone. Certainly, even with the numerous opportunities
it had presented to do that. In fact, it had not even loaded itself.

Well you can imagine my surprise, with all the hype by the Left and
the media, about how dangerous guns are and “How They” kill people.

The United States is 3rd in murders throughout the world.

But if you take out just 5 'left-wing' cities: Chicago, Detroit,
Washington DC, St Louis and New Orleans -- the United States is 4th
from the bottom, in the ENTIRE world, for murders.

These 5 cities are controlled by Democrats. They also have the
toughest gun control laws in the USA.

It would be absurd to draw any conclusions from this data, right?

Well, I'm off to check on my spoons. I hear they're making people fat!

As for the Media?

[Mumbleypeg]

A man steps out to the street and immediately catches a taxi just passing by. He gets into the taxi and the driver says "I guess you're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank. Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right his whole life. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. Stuff like that happened to Frank every single time."

Passenger: "Come on - theres always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could have played golf on the PGA tour. He had a singing voice like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano!"

Passenger: "Wow, sounds like Frank is really something special!"

Cabbie: "That's not the half of it. He had a memory like a computer. Remembered everybody's birthday and anniversary. He was a wine aficionado, knew all about what foods to order, what fork to use. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and everything blacks out. But old Frank could do everything right."

Passenger: "Really some guy then!"

Cabbie: " Yep, he always knew the quickest way to go in traffic. Could always avoid traffic jams. Not like me - I always get stuck in them. But not Frank, he never made a mistake. And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He never answered her back even when she was wrong. And his clothes were always immaculate. He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died suddenly, and I married his wife."



Ken

[Railsplitter]

Fred: You know Hank, the wife and I ate at the most amazing restaurant last night. The food was out of this world!

Hank: Oh yeah? What was the name of the place?

Fred: I can't for the life of me remember the name of the place but it's right on the tip of my tongue. What's the name of that flower that has red petals and thorns?

Hank: A rose?

Fred: Yeah that's it! Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we ate at last night?

[americanedgetech]

You guys are a hoot!
Great jokes!

[OLDE CUTLER]

A Hollywood talent agent is sitting in his office one morning and a fellow walks in who is carrying a large case by a top handle. He sets the case down and takes a seat. The agent says "Can I help you?". The fellow says "Yes, I have an act and need an agent to represent me and book tour dates". The agent asks "What kind of act do you have?" The fellow says "Its kind of hard to explain, so I'll just show you". He opens up the case he brought with him, takes out a miniature piano, a miniature piano bench, and a one foot tall man dressed in a tuxedo with tails, who sits down at the miniature piano and plays all the great classics. The talent agent is absolutely flabbergasted by this, and when the music stops he tells the fellow "In my 44 years of being a Hollywood talent agent, I have never seen or even heard of anything like his. This is just fantastic. I can book tour dates all over the world for this act. We will all be multimillionaires. But I have to ask you, where did you ever find this one foot tall man with the tuxedo and tails who plays the piano?" The fellow responds "Well to make a long story short, I was walking on the beach one day, and tripped over something sticking out of the sand, When I looked at it and dug it up, it was a magic lamp. Upon taking the lid off, a genie came out of the lamp. He said to me "Wow, I have been trapped in that lamp for 3000 years and as a token of appreciation to you I will grant you ONE WISH, ANYTHING YOU WANT." Upon hearing this the talent agent jumps up and says "Well, what did you wish for?" The fellow replies, "Well the genie had been trapped in the lamp for 3000 years, and I don't know if his hearing was bad or he was disoriented or what, but he misunderstood me and he thought I said "I WISH I HAD A 12 INCH PIANIST".

[QTCut5]

Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.


~Q~

[fergusontd]

ftd

[Quick Steel]

I placed this one in another thread but I feel it should be officially posted here.

Why did God create liquor? So that the Irish would not rule the world.

[mrwatch]

Tender Hearted Deer Hunter

A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand along Highway 11-17 near Thunder Bay, Ontario early one cold December morning.

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the low shrubs The buck was magnificent..... a once in a lifetime animal. His rack was huge. The hunter's hand shook as his mind was already counting the Boone and Crockett points.

Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down Highway 11-17.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was stunned.

"Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You actually let that trophy deer go to pay respects to a passing funeral procession. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 37 years!"

[Paladin]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.

[OLDE CUTLER]

Guys check out this pair of Big hooters.

[mrwatch]

couldn't resist.

[Paladin]

Subject: BAD PARROT

ParrotMargarita


BAD PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed..

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute..

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer... The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[fergusontd]

Guys check out this pair of Big hooters.
Then try these Hooters!

IMG_1802.JPG

[Shearer]

Here a couple of different hooter that will scare the shxx out of you if you are not concentrating while driving.