Hear of a Good One Lately

[fergusontd]

And, USA TODAY says Trump tells Pope that he can walk on water on the Pope can't.

[gypsy jim]

OK as a newbie I'm too lazy to go through 98 pages to see if you'd heard this one:

So a young brave goes to the chief and asked how they are named. The chief replies, " Squaw come to me and say she gave birth to new brave. I open teepee and look out and I see the bison running and call him Running Buffalo or see a bird diving and call him Flying Hawk.
Why do you ask Two Dogs F#(king?

[mrwatch]

I like it.
In the beginning the squaw did all the work. The braves hunted and fished all day. Their was no pollution or taxes. Then white man came along and thought they could improve on all of that!

[mrwatch]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…


Default Re: Everyday Humor
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?" The worker yelled back,
"'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."

[jerryd6818]

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELING IN AUSTRALIA!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering along the ridge stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

She screamed, “NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard! ”

He shrugged and turned away saying,

"Okay, ... I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

... She didn’t jump.

[Paladin]

Ray

[mumblypeg]

[OLDE CUTLER]

A police officer was out in the patrol car driving his regular beat on St. Patrick's day when he happened to drive by the cemetery. He stopped, because out in the cemetery he saw something out of the ordinary. He watched for a few minutes and what he saw was a man standing over a grave tipping up a bottle in brown sack until he finished it off. The man then proceeded to unzip his pants and then urinate on the grave he was standing over. The police officer went up to him and upon approaching he could see that the man was very drunk. He asked the man what he was doing, drinking in the cemetery and urinating on the grave as he could be arrested for public drunkenness, and defiling a grave. The Irishman replied " Oh, this is where we laid to rest my best friend Paddy. Before he died, he made me promise that every year on St. Patrick's day I would come visit him at his grave and pour a bottle of the finest Irish Whiskey over him in his grave". The officer said to him "But I saw you and that is not what you were doing". The Irishman replied, "I know. The quality and high cost of the best bottle of Irish whiskey urged me to pass it through me kidneys first!"

[Eustace]

British Prime Minister Teresa May calls Putin:

- Vladimir, I'm outraged! Your spies tried to destroy Skrypal ...
- I do not understand, - Putin specifies - Did they try or destroy?
- They tried.
- No, these are not my spies!

[Eustace]

Inscription on the sidewalk in front of the Russian Embassy in London

[OLDE CUTLER]

Proof that humanity is getting lazier every day. Get yours now!!! Soon we can expect to see these driving all around Wal-Mart.

[Eustace]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being, which explains why last night Teresa kept shouting "Oh, my God!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[fergusontd]

That's our next POTUS! ftd

[OLDE CUTLER]

That is sound reasoning and hilarious!!

[Eustace]

Britain has threatened that if Russia does not admit to Scripal's poisoning, one more former Russian spy will be killed.

[Quick Steel]

[Paladin]

Now that one took me a minute! Good one!

Ray

[Quick Steel]

My sister sent it to me and it provoked a lol moment.

[jerryd6818]

I like it. I'm still smiling.

[doglegg]

Like Ray I had to look a minute. Very good.

[Quick Steel]

I'd like to meet the cartoonist who came up with that idea. What an inventive mind.

[Dragline]

That’s me on Saturday Night

Joe

[fergusontd]

The U.S. Government just invented a new smart computer. If you put your I.Q. into it it will talk to you. For example 180 it will talk to you about complex science formulas, an I.Q. of 140, current events. An I.Q. of 65 it will start singing "From the halls of Montezuma!" ftd

[jerryd6818]

Hooray, Hooray, the first of May.
Outdoor intercourse starts today.

[Eustace]

When I smoke on the balcony, I never throw my cigarette butt out. I'm afraid the wind will blow it in some other balcony. Will ignite laundry. Gas cylinders will blow. There will be a fire. People will die. It will begin an investigation. They will understand that it is me. They'll give me on TV and Mom will understand that I smoke!