Hear of a Good One Lately

[jmh58]

^^^
John

[Quick Steel]

Good one mrwatch.

[doglegg]

[mrwatch]

Mamma's Bible

Four American brothers left home for college and became very successful doctors and lawyers and they prospered. While chatting after having dinner together one day they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city, but who at that point in time was away on holiday.
The first said, "I had a large house built for mamma".
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house".
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her".
The fourth said, "You know how mamma loved reading her bible, and you know she can't read anymore because her eyesight has deteriorated. Well I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that could recite the entire bible. It had taken twenty preachers twelve years to teach him to do this but they let me have the bird after I pledged to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church. It was worth it however because Mamma will just have to name the chapter and verse she wants to hear and the parrot will recite it to her". The other brothers were really impressed.

On returning from her holiday Mom decided to send them a thank you note each for their gifts. She wrote, Milton, the house you had built for me is so huge. I am only living in one room, but I still have to clean the whole house. Thank you though for the gift.

Marvin, I am too old to travel so I stay at home. I have my groceries delivered so I never use the Mercedes but thanks anyway.

Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby surround sound large enough to hold 50 people but all my old friends are now dead. I have lost my hearing and I'm virtually blind but thank you for the gesture.

Dearest Melvin, you were the only one of my sons to have the good sense to put some thought into your gift. The chicken you sent me was delicious. Thank you so much.

[Stanwade]

good one mrwatch!!!!

[doglegg]

[mrwatch]

Southern Boys Will Never Say

30. When I retire, I'm movin' North.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.

26. We don't keep no guns in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a rip who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too dang big.

11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Blue Moon iced down for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate!

6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite football team.

3. "Youse Guys"

2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

And the Number One Thing That You Will Never Hear a Southern Boy Say:
1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Elizabeth Warren Campaign.

[jmh58]

John

[Paladin]

[OLDE CUTLER]

At last an answer to this age old question.

[Mumbleypeg]

Good list mrwatch! Left off “Do you think that’s too much camo?”

I can relate to most of the things on that list, except number 10. I do like my iced tea unsweetened. As a young single guy I had to make a choice one day at the grocery store. Should I buy for my tea, or beer? Couldn’t afford both, so of course I gave up sugar.

Ken

[mrwatch]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home bound patients, when she ran out of fuel. As luck would have it, a Puma petrol station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a jerry can and buy some petrol. The attendant told her that the only fuel can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with fuel and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with petrol, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two Lutherans watched from across the street..
One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, . . . I'm turning Catholic'......

[Quick Steel]

[doglegg]

[mrwatch]

Never fails!

[samb1955]

Looks like the bear has his paws full. Lucky bear!

[Eustace]

Witness after armed robbery testifies:
“Two men with mouth masks entered the bank. We were very scared. We calmed down when we realized that it was only an armed robbery ..."

[Quick Steel]

[dlr110]

What has changed in your life if anything ?

[samb1955]

Hope it doesn't turn out like that here, we shall see! Nice shot with the cracker.

[Stanwade]

One of my favorites from “The Far Side”

[Mumbleypeg]

That is a good one! Larsen has always been a favorite of mine. He’s a genius. Here’s my favorite Far Side cartoon.

Ken

[Quick Steel]

[Stanwade]

He’s always been one of my favorites also Mumbleypeg!! Here’s a couple more I always liked..

[Mumbleypeg]

Those were great! My favorites tend to,be the ones with dogs.

Ken