Hear of a Good One Lately

[RobesonsRme.com]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, at least they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Charlie Noyes

[treefarmer]

Very interesting, Charlie. That took some thought. They are all funny, I especially like #21!
Treefarmer

[RobesonsRme.com]

Well, just so you know, I didn't write them and do not know who did.

I'm not sure I'm familiar enough with the English language to come up with any of those.

Closest I ever came was dreaming up a hip mortuary for modern times and calling it "Remains To Be Seen".

Charlie Noyes

[tjmurphy]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

[carrmillus]

............ ...........................

[tjmurphy]

An old miser, due to his terrible cheapness, had no friends nor family. Just before he died he called his doctor, his lawyer and a minister to come see him. They complied, and gathered together around his bed.

“I always heard you can’t take it with you, but I am going to prove you can,” he said. “I have $90,000 hidden underneath my mattress. It’s in 3 envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each one of you to grab one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on my grave, you throw the envelopes in.”

Weeks later, the three attended the funeral, and true to their word, each threw in their envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, “I don’t feel so good about this, I am going to confess, I desperately needed $10,000 for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave.”

The doctor said, “I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000.” He looked ashamed.

The lawyer said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked and ashamed of both of you. I don’t see how you could in good conscience hold on to that money. I threw in a personal check for the entire amount.“

[jerryd6818]

Australian Telephone Operator: " G'day mate .. Helpline here ... What's the problem?"

Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a
hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"

Australian Telephone Operator: "Bummer!"

Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye."

[Paladin]

Now, that one caught me completely by surprise. That's funny!

Ray

[RobesonsRme.com]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Charlie Noyes

[Paladin]

Good story! Ray

*NINE MONTHS LATER*

*Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they
loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady
who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this
huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she
explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you
stay in my house."*

*
'Don't worry,' Jack said.'We'll be happy to sleep in the
barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first
light.'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to
the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared,and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive
widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,'Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at
on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling
her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm
sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


**/And you thought the ending would be different, didn't
you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the
rest of the day!/*

[orvet]

[Unk]

A lady shows up at the local pro shop and pays for a round of golf. She tees off and is gone for about 15 minutes. She then walks back into the pro shop and tells the pro "I have a problem.... I was stung by a bee".

The Pro says "Where were you stung?"

She says "Between hole number 1 and hole number 2".

The Pro says "Well, it sounds to me like your stance is a little too wide".

[MITCH RAPP]

[tjmurphy]

Hello,You have reached the Men's Help Line. My name is Bob. How can I help you?

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot.



I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her.


When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.


It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

[carrmillus]

.............. ..........................

[Paladin]

THE DONALDS FIRST DAY IN OFFICE
Should help you to start your day.

1. President Donald Trump and Vice President Marco Rubio:
are sworn into office.

2. In a rare event on inauguration day, Congress
convenes for an emergency meeting to repeal the
illegal and unconstitutional Socialist healthcare
farce known as Obamacare. The new Director of
Health and Social Services Dr. Ben Carson announces
that an independent group of healthcare management
professionals is hired to handle healthcare services for
poor and low income people. They are also assigned the
duty of eliminating Medicare and Medicaid fraud.
Government’s costs for public healthcare are reduced by 90%.
Healthcare insurance premiums for working Americans are
reduced by 50%. The move saves billions of taxpayer paid
dollars. Healthcare service in the U.S improves 100%.

3. Newly appointed Department of Homeland
Security Chief Ted Cruz announces the immediate
deployment of troops to the U.S. Mexico border
to control illegal immigration and the immediate
deportation of illegals with criminal records or
links to terrorist groups. New bio-encrypted Social
Security IDs are required by every American citizen.
Birthright is abolished. All immigration from countries
that represent a threat to the safety of American citizens
is terminated indefinitely. The move saves American
taxpayers billions of dollars. Several prisons are closed.

4. Newly appointed Secretary of Business and
Economic Development Carly Fiorina eliminates
more than half of the Government agencies
operating under the Obama administration
saving taxpayers billions of dollars. Stocks rise
100%.

5. Newly appointed Director of Government
Finance Rand Paul announces the abolition of
the IRS and displays a copy of the new Federal
Tax Return form. It consists of one page. The
instructions consist of two pages. The Federal
Reserve is audited. The move saves American
Taxpayers billions of dollars and increases tax
revenue.

6. Hillary Clinton is in prison, where she belongs.
Her cell is directly across from Jesse Jackson and
Al Sharpton who are serving time for "Hate
Crimes". She bitches at them constantly from
behind the bars of her cell in what some call cruel
and unusual punishment.

7. Bernie Sanders is in the nuthouse, where he
belongs. His room is directly across from Nancy
Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chris Matthews
and Al Franken. They meet for tea every day at
10 AM and discuss the success and benefits
of Communism and Socialism throughout the world.
They also wonder when the "Mothership" is going
to pick them up and return them to their home planets.

8. Windows 12 is released. It is designed for humans,
doesn’t try to satisfy the needs of every person on
the planet, doesn’t require a degree in nuclear
physics to operate and looks just like Windows 7
except it is easier to use.

9. Barack Obama flees the United States under
cover of darkness and returns to his homeland
of Kenya before his trial for treason begins. He
deplanes on a remote jungle airstrip. It was reported
that he was last seen wandering through the jungle
singing “Hakuna Matata” with a chimp named Commie.

10. Oscar Meyer announces the introduction of a
new cholesterol and fat free pepperoni that tastes
just like regular pepperoni.

11. Not to be outdone, Kraft Foods announces the
introduction of several varieties of cholesterol and
fat free cheeses that taste just like regular cheese.

12. A committee is not established to determine
what is causing global cooling. Billions of taxpayer
dollars are saved.

13. Dead people are no longer allowed to vote in
Chicago, a huge blow for the Democrat Party in the
State of Illinois.

And this my friends constitutes THE PERFECT DAY!

[edge213]

That would be a perfect day. Probably the opposite is going to happen.

[carrmillus]

......I hope not!!!!!........... .................

[mrwatch]

A Country Club golf pro was riding a Nun around in a caddy car pointing out the game. The Nun pointed to a devise on a post? That's where the men wash their balls. Nun-"what hardy men!"

My Dad's oldies.


A man driving a Cadillac pulled into a Hillbilly gas station. When he steed out a golf tee fell on the ground. The man never seeing one picked it up and looked at it and handed it back. Driver-that's where the men put their balls when the drive. "man them Cadillac's have every thing!

[carrmillus]

............good one!!!................. .....................

[jerryd6818]

Truisms

-If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.

-Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

-Take my advice, I'm not using it.

-My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

-When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always.

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

-Money is the root of all wealth.

[FRJ]

Somehow, Jerry, I can see Alan King saying many of these things.

[carrmillus]

..all of those are great, jerry!!!!.............. ..........................

[Paladin]

Men Never Learn!

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.
Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and then handed it back to the woman.
The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Adam ate the apple, too!
Men will never learn!

[Mumbleypeg]

Some football wisdom:

"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football" - John Heisman

"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game." – Bear Bryant / Alabama

"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money, and we don't have any." – Erik Russell / Georgia Southern

"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it." - Lou Holtz / Arkansas - Notre Dame

"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath / Alabama

"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you." - Woody Hayes / Ohio State

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney / Nebraska

"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts / Georgia

"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." – Alex Karras / Iowa

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” - Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan / Auburn

"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me ." He said,"Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren't any good." - Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel." - Bobby Bowden / Florida State

"Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing IS a contact sport." - Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was, "All those who need showers, take them." - John McKay / USC

"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.” - Murray Warmath / Minnesota

"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." - Darrell Royal / Texas

"We didn't tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking." - John McKay / USC

"I've found that prayers work best when you have good players." - Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

Ohio State 's Urban Meyer on one of his players:"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words.

Ken